Celebrity Children: A Lesson In Famewhoring

We at FPB are currently pondering a query weighing heavy on our minds. Why is Kimberly Stewart (semi) famous? We understand that her father is 80's pop crooner Rod -Do You Think I'm Sexy- Stewart, but is this really any reason for his skank-nasty daughter to mug for the camera? Until today, I didn't even realize she had an actual "profession." Apparently she's an aspiring "model." (Thanks Wikipedia.) Apparently, Tommy Hilfiger sees something that Tyra Banks and company wouldn't even put in the running to become America's Next Top Model. This particular issue has us contemplating the levels of good and bad of celebrity children famewhoring. We request that each celebrity child/heir must prove themselves worthy before recieving public notoriety. An application if you will. Kimberly Stewart has failed miserably.
Nicole Richie, on the other hand, is the epitome of grace and sophistication. Don't tell me she isn't. I will find you and slap you into submission. Sure, there was the first season of the Simple Life..but Nicole has gotten her shit together, people! And I'm not talking about the weight loss. Girl could eat a burger. But she does have fashion sense, unlike Kimberly who looks as if she's raided the closet of every sorority girl in America and Paris who apparently wasn't paying attention in finishing school the day they discussed how not to flash you vajajay. Nicole has the mod squad hair cut, the cute ginormous sunglasses, and "loves it" is hella better than "thats hot." Yes, Nicole Richie has become a beacon for all celebrity spawn. The gauntlet has been thrown.

The rundown:


The Good


The Bad



The Fugly

(Please Don't) Crash Into Me: Entertainment Report

"Crash" Best Picture? Seriously? I'm not a hater, but it definitely did not merit best picture material over "Brokeback Mountain" in my humble opinion. "Brokeback" was revolutionary and beautifully directed, written, and acted...and "Crash"...was kind of a glorified after school special with a good cast. And Sandra Bullock? You were a raging xenophobic bitch throughout the entire movie so don't think that giving your Guadalupan maid a big sappy hug makes everything a-ok. I might have gotten a little teary towards the end, but that's just because I'm a pansy. I could probably get emotional watching "Deal or No Deal." I can't remember the last time a movie hit me the way "Brokeback Mountain" did. But it's not like it needed an Oscar to be validated. No hard feelings. Certainly not from author of the short story which spawned the film,
Annie Proulx:

"And rumour has it that Lions Gate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of Trash - excuse me - Crash a few weeks before the ballot deadline. Next year we can look to the awards for controversial themes on the punishment of adulterers with a branding iron in the shape of the letter A, runaway slaves, and the debate over free silver."

Bwaah! I suppose the Academy isn't as forward thinking and controversial as Fox News pundits (and George Clooney) would lead us to believe. You have to love that bitter wit. Annie Proulx is my homegirl.

In the end, the infamous "Brokeback" kissing scene was named the second sexiest movie scene of all time. I think we're all pretty much equal now. On the same list, at number one, is Jake's sister Maggie Gyllenhaal for her role in "Secretary." Between sexy homosexual cowboys and dominatratrix office attendants, we have no choice but to name the Gyllenhaals the sexiest family in Hollywood. (Sorry Baldwins!)

Fake Plastic Tunes: FPB Music Update

Because we are partially named after a Radiohead song (You're welcome, Thom Yorke!) I decided that it was only fitting to begin a weekly update of what's new in the world of great music.

Gorilla Vs. Bear has an awesome "Pink Moon" cover by Beck. You'll enjoy this if you've ever uttered the phrase "Yeah...so Garden State totally changed my life." And if you haven't, congratulations, but go download the song anyway.
Music For Robots has a new Bishop Allen track titled "Vain." Bishop Allen are amazing quirky, folk rock at its best. You might like this if you've ever wondered what it would sound like if Bob Dylan procreated with the Kinks. I think we've all wondered that at some point in our lives.
3hive has three tracks by electric president. I just like them. You might like them too..if you like songs played on The O.C. Holla! That show may be dying but the music still knocks me over every time. Alexandra Patsavas deserves a medal.
Speaking of good music on television Silly Pipe Dreams hosts songs from Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs, Veronica Mars, and the aforementioned O.C.
And last but not least, a whole slew of songs from my favorite...
Sufjan Stevens. If you don't have "Come On Feel The Illinois" or "Greetings From Michigan" you need to fulfill your life and get them right away. His songs are heartbreakingly beautiful and he's oh so pretty...

If I Was Invisible...I'd Watch You On Your Webcam

If this is really Clay Aiken he has seriously fugged himself up since his American Idol days...



Seriously, he looks like Eric Stoltz from "Mask."

The above is believed to be a series of pictures that Clay Aiken sent to another man through an online chat room for gay men. It's only fair to say that "Star" magazine broke this story...and I think they're even less credible than, well, us.
However, if Clay is homosexual now would be the time to mention it.
Hello? Being gay is so in right now. Gay people are totally the new black. You heard it hear first.

Seacrest has been battling this rumour for years, and just look at what he's come to...




[pinkisthenewblog.com]



Do you really think this makes Seacrest any more attractive in a woman's eyes? Let me just speak for the entire female population and say no, it doesn't.






This? Does. This displays more masculinity and sex appeal than disgusting Ryan Seacrest tongue-ings and Paul Walker's entire career.

Source: Pink Is the New Blog

I Wish I Could Quit Jake Gyllenhaal: A Celebrity Crush Extreme

We know we've been serioiusly lacking in our Entertainment News...but Fake Plastic is back in a big way, kids. And what better way to celebrate our glorious return than stopping and giving thanks for the Gyllenhaal in our lives.
Jake Gyllenhaal is not just my celebrity crush...he is the end all and be all of celebrity crushes. Nobody plays a wierd, nebbish- yet-sexy brooding young man quite like Gyllenhaal. I don't care if he was fucking crazy and thought he was Holden Caufield..I would still have ran away with him in "The Good Girl." And "Donnie Darko?" American cinema just doesn't get any better than that...though I will never completely understand it. I watched the full length feature commentary on it (twice) and all I found out was that Jake does a fantastic Christopher Walken impression and we both like pineapple pepperoni pizza (match made in Moksha? I think so.)
He was the only thing that kept me awake in "The Day After Tomorrow," in which he also played a teenager, but unfornately not a brooding one. That is, not counting the natural reaction one has when they are experiencing the meteorological equivalent of the apocolypse. I can correctly spell "Gyllenhaal" without consulting imdb.com. I really, truly, enjoyed "Bubble Boy." Really. I adore Jake Gyllenhaal.
Naturally, I loved "Brokeback Mountain." Sure, the thought of Gyllenhaal macking on Heath Ledger was appealing, but it was such a beatiful story that the makeouts were just icing on the cake, really hot icing to be replayed on my DVD player for years to come. If you didn't cry when Ennis smells Jack's shirt, I don't know how to put this, but you probably don't have a soul. The movie has recieved accolades, including Academy Award nominations for Best Writing, Best Picture and Best Director. Both Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal recieved nominations for Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor, respectively, as well as Michelle Williams for Best Supporting Actress.
Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the academy is going to go with Clooney over Gyllenhaal, which is a bad decision. And it's not just my love for Jake talking. There are several points I'd like to make on his behalf.
1) About halfway through the movie he starts sporting this Geraldo Rivera mustache. It's jarring. I even turned to my mom in the theatre and said these exact words: "Mustache. Ew." I'm just not a fan. However, he manages to remain credible while wearing this ridiculous excuse for facial hair that perfectly good-looking men insists on wearing for no good reason. (Kevin Kline, I'm looking at you.) And from what I and Charlize Theron understand, the Academy favors those who alter their appearance for the worse. And that 'stach? Was the worst.
2) " I wish I knew how to quit you!" This runs the risk of sounding cheesy on paper and has gotten old in countless 'Brokeback' parodies, but when Jake Gyllenhaal delivers the line, it makes you want to kick Heath Ledger's cowboy-ass for ever upsetting him to that extent.
3) He's overdue. I mean, have you seen "Donnie Darko?" "October Sky?" Are you really going to tell me that the actor that played "Batman" and George from the "Facts of Life" is more deserving? You are aren't you?!

In any matter, we're just happy to see "Brokeback Mountain" get recognized and give it five "Plastic Horses" for outstanding acting, directing, and hot Gyllenhaal on Ledger action. That's just our way of saying that its one of the most beautiful and real love stories ever made, and "eat it Capote."






5 out of 5 "Plastic Horses." An FPB first!

TomKate Files, Adventures in the Paranormal

Everybody who knows me knows that this Plastic loves some X-Files. Even though I'm going to school for journalism, something in me still wants to be a special agent. I want to bust down a door someday. With my foot. And seriously, a fire still burns for Fox Mulder. Always has, always will. He was simply beautiful.
Sometimes things in everyday life will remind me of that beloved 90's cult hit and I'll feel warm inside...sunflower seeds, the song "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" etc. However, there are some things that remind me of an X-Files case which do not inflict pleasant feelings. I experience this most often with one man. That man is Tom Cruise.

He has officially crossed the line from "eccentric hollywood crazy" into "put-the-lotion-in-the-basket creepy."

Cruise has said he has Katie "tucked away" (eep!) so that no one will get to us until my chld is born."
[Source: thebosh.com]

Insane in the membrane! Notice how he says "my" child. Which is odd because, although I'm not complete convinced of the authenticity of the pregnancy, it seems that at every one of their "totally spontaneous" sightings Katie is carrying his this supposed umborn fetus in her womb. I'm officially creeped out, every X-Files fan knows that 'tucked away' is code for "on a rolling cart beneath my bed."




"You so crazy... I think I wanna have your babies!"

Previously: Dear Katie

Celebrity Crush(es) of the Month: The Dudes

I love comedians. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Aziz Ansari...there's something sexy about a guy who can make you laugh your ass off. Of course it doesn't hurt when they're cute as hell. Enter Andy Samberg.
Words cannot express how much I love the SNL short "Lazy Sunday (The Chronic-What!-Cles of Narnia)" It introduced the instant classic phrases "That bakery's got all the bomb frostings, I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling" and "Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious." These phrases will be forever woven into the fabric of American pop culture in the same vein with "I need more cowbell" and "I'm all verklempt," except even more awesome. Yeah, I said it. The endearingly goofy Samberg co-wrote the short with his equally talented and adorable friends and fellow members of "The Lonely Island," Jorma and Akiva (they're collectively known as the Dudes) and SNL castmember Chris Parnell. The Dudes are just about the best thing in sketch comedy. They're humor is witty, quirky, and most of all, fun. They parody the grotesque scene from "Reservoir Dogs" only to turn around and spoof "Almost Famous." Some of their most popular work has been for Channel101.com in which they mock "The O.C." in a series called The 'Bu..troubled, rich white kids who struggle with romantic queries, alcoholism, and the fact that one of them lives a secret life as a ninja. They have also attempted to make "Hoobastank" an interjection. Yeah I'm in LOVE here people.



But the Dudes' specialty has to be their raps. Deeming themselves 'Incredibad,' their songs and videos have a certain Beastie Boys-esque charm, especially my personal favorites "KaBlamo" ("Your jello is wobbly (Thats Kablamo!) You met Gilbert Godfrey, That's Kablamo!)
The Dude's began more recognition after penning sketches for Jimmy Fallon for the MTV movie awards. This got the attention of Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels who hired Samberg as a featured player and Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer as writers. So when you laugh at Saturday Night Live for the first time in years, you can thank the Dudes. Short of making Horatio Sanz funny, I don't think there is any thing they can't do.





"Crazy delicious!"

www.thelonelyisland.com

Entertainment Update

Its incredibly old news by now but the spawn of Tomkat has landed and rumor has it that it's a boy, ensuring that the tradition of paying off young actresses and impregnating them will be passed down the line. It's a beautiful thing really.



"TomSperm, yay!"

We tried to warn Katie. Obviously to no avail. But Nicole Kidman knows what's up:
[link]


That's called an upgrade, kids.

Kimberly Stewart (eww!) and Talan from Laguna Beach were engaged (Random!) ,but now they're not. Dunzo! The cause for the demise of the relationship is unknown but if we've learned anything from Season 2, Jason was probably involved. So standard.


"Dunzo!"

The Plastics don't understand the Talan/Jason/Stephen craze...not cool. Talan- douchebag that thinks he can sing and apparently would actually think seriously about settling down with the lagoon creature that is Kim Stewart. Jason-based on the show he is imcapable of forming a complete sentence (and it doesn't constitute as the strong silent type if you rely on grunts to converse) Stephen-don't even get us started. Boyfriend's got issues like whoah.
The Plastics would like to take the opportunity to show appreciation for the untapped Laguna wealth that is Dieter. Sure he's kind of odd looking and his name was Dieter but he was a standup guy. Did anyone care? Oh no. We were too interested in Jason weren't we? I'm looking at you Jessica.



"Love for the Deet, yo!"