Fake Plastic Boobs

Celebrity Children: A Lesson In Famewhoring

2006-03-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

We at FPB are currently pondering a query weighing heavy on our minds. Why is Kimberly Stewart (semi) famous? We understand that her father is 80's pop crooner Rod -Do You Think I'm Sexy- Stewart, but is this really any reason for his skank-nasty daughter to mug for the camera? Until today, I didn't even realize she had an actual "profession." Apparently she's an aspiring "model." (Thanks Wikipedia.) Apparently, Tommy Hilfiger sees something that Tyra Banks and company wouldn't even put in the running to become America's Next Top Model. This particular issue has us contemplating the levels of good and bad of celebrity children famewhoring. We request that each celebrity child/heir must prove themselves worthy before recieving public notoriety. An application if you will. Kimberly Stewart has failed miserably.
Nicole Richie, on the other hand, is the epitome of grace and sophistication. Don't tell me she isn't. I will find you and slap you into submission. Sure, there was the first season of the Simple Life..but Nicole has gotten her shit together, people! And I'm not talking about the weight loss. Girl could eat a burger. But she does have fashion sense, unlike Kimberly who looks as if she's raided the closet of every sorority girl in America and Paris who apparently wasn't paying attention in finishing school the day they discussed how not to flash you vajajay. Nicole has the mod squad hair cut, the cute ginormous sunglasses, and "loves it" is hella better than "thats hot." Yes, Nicole Richie has become a beacon for all celebrity spawn. The gauntlet has been thrown.

The rundown:

The Good

The Bad

The Fugly

(Please Don't) Crash Into Me: Entertainment Report

2006-03-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

"Crash" Best Picture? Seriously? I'm not a hater, but it definitely did not merit best picture material over "Brokeback Mountain" in my humble opinion. "Brokeback" was revolutionary and beautifully directed, written, and acted...and "Crash"...was kind of a glorified after school special with a good cast. And Sandra Bullock? You were a raging xenophobic bitch throughout the entire movie so don't think that giving your Guadalupan maid a big sappy hug makes everything a-ok. I might have gotten a little teary towards the end, but that's just because I'm a pansy. I could probably get emotional watching "Deal or No Deal." I can't remember the last time a movie hit me the way "Brokeback Mountain" did. But it's not like it needed an Oscar to be validated. No hard feelings. Certainly not from author of the short story which spawned the film,
Annie Proulx:

"And rumour has it that Lions Gate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of Trash - excuse me - Crash a few weeks before the ballot deadline. Next year we can look to the awards for controversial themes on the punishment of adulterers with a branding iron in the shape of the letter A, runaway slaves, and the debate over free silver."

Bwaah! I suppose the Academy isn't as forward thinking and controversial as Fox News pundits (and George Clooney) would lead us to believe. You have to love that bitter wit. Annie Proulx is my homegirl.

In the end, the infamous "Brokeback" kissing scene was named the second sexiest movie scene of all time. I think we're all pretty much equal now. On the same list, at number one, is Jake's sister Maggie Gyllenhaal for her role in "Secretary." Between sexy homosexual cowboys and dominatratrix office attendants, we have no choice but to name the Gyllenhaals the sexiest family in Hollywood. (Sorry Baldwins!)

Fake Plastic Tunes: FPB Music Update

2006-03-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Because we are partially named after a Radiohead song (You're welcome, Thom Yorke!) I decided that it was only fitting to begin a weekly update of what's new in the world of great music.

Gorilla Vs. Bear has an awesome "Pink Moon" cover by Beck. You'll enjoy this if you've ever uttered the phrase "Yeah...so Garden State totally changed my life." And if you haven't, congratulations, but go download the song anyway.
Music For Robots has a new Bishop Allen track titled "Vain." Bishop Allen are amazing quirky, folk rock at its best. You might like this if you've ever wondered what it would sound like if Bob Dylan procreated with the Kinks. I think we've all wondered that at some point in our lives.
3hive has three tracks by electric president. I just like them. You might like them too..if you like songs played on The O.C. Holla! That show may be dying but the music still knocks me over every time. Alexandra Patsavas deserves a medal.
Speaking of good music on television Silly Pipe Dreams hosts songs from Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs, Veronica Mars, and the aforementioned O.C.
And last but not least, a whole slew of songs from my favorite...
Sufjan Stevens. If you don't have "Come On Feel The Illinois" or "Greetings From Michigan" you need to fulfill your life and get them right away. His songs are heartbreakingly beautiful and he's oh so pretty...

If I Was Invisible...I'd Watch You On Your Webcam

2006-03-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

If this is really Clay Aiken he has seriously fugged himself up since his American Idol days...

Seriously, he looks like Eric Stoltz from "Mask."

The above is believed to be a series of pictures that Clay Aiken sent to another man through an online chat room for gay men. It's only fair to say that "Star" magazine broke this story...and I think they're even less credible than, well, us.
However, if Clay is homosexual now would be the time to mention it.
Hello? Being gay is so in right now. Gay people are totally the new black. You heard it hear first.

Seacrest has been battling this rumour for years, and just look at what he's come to...

[pinkisthenewblog.com]

Do you really think this makes Seacrest any more attractive in a woman's eyes? Let me just speak for the entire female population and say no, it doesn't.

This? Does. This displays more masculinity and sex appeal than disgusting Ryan Seacrest tongue-ings and Paul Walker's entire career.

Source: Pink Is the New Blog

I Wish I Could Quit Jake Gyllenhaal: A Celebrity Crush Extreme

2006-02-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

We know we've been serioiusly lacking in our Entertainment News...but Fake Plastic is back in a big way, kids. And what better way to celebrate our glorious return than stopping and giving thanks for the Gyllenhaal in our lives.
Jake Gyllenhaal is not just my celebrity crush...he is the end all and be all of celebrity crushes. Nobody plays a wierd, nebbish- yet-sexy brooding young man quite like Gyllenhaal. I don't care if he was fucking crazy and thought he was Holden Caufield..I would still have ran away with him in "The Good Girl." And "Donnie Darko?" American cinema just doesn't get any better than that...though I will never completely understand it. I watched the full length feature commentary on it (twice) and all I found out was that Jake does a fantastic Christopher Walken impression and we both like pineapple pepperoni pizza (match made in Moksha? I think so.)
He was the only thing that kept me awake in "The Day After Tomorrow," in which he also played a teenager, but unfornately not a brooding one. That is, not counting the natural reaction one has when they are experiencing the meteorological equivalent of the apocolypse. I can correctly spell "Gyllenhaal" without consulting imdb.com. I really, truly, enjoyed "Bubble Boy." Really. I adore Jake Gyllenhaal.
Naturally, I loved "Brokeback Mountain." Sure, the thought of Gyllenhaal macking on Heath Ledger was appealing, but it was such a beatiful story that the makeouts were just icing on the cake, really hot icing to be replayed on my DVD player for years to come. If you didn't cry when Ennis smells Jack's shirt, I don't know how to put this, but you probably don't have a soul. The movie has recieved accolades, including Academy Award nominations for Best Writing, Best Picture and Best Director. Both Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal recieved nominations for Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor, respectively, as well as Michelle Williams for Best Supporting Actress.
Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the academy is going to go with Clooney over Gyllenhaal, which is a bad decision. And it's not just my love for Jake talking. There are several points I'd like to make on his behalf.
1) About halfway through the movie he starts sporting this Geraldo Rivera mustache. It's jarring. I even turned to my mom in the theatre and said these exact words: "Mustache. Ew." I'm just not a fan. However, he manages to remain credible while wearing this ridiculous excuse for facial hair that perfectly good-looking men insists on wearing for no good reason. (Kevin Kline, I'm looking at you.) And from what I and Charlize Theron understand, the Academy favors those who alter their appearance for the worse. And that 'stach? Was the worst.
2) " I wish I knew how to quit you!" This runs the risk of sounding cheesy on paper and has gotten old in countless 'Brokeback' parodies, but when Jake Gyllenhaal delivers the line, it makes you want to kick Heath Ledger's cowboy-ass for ever upsetting him to that extent.
3) He's overdue. I mean, have you seen "Donnie Darko?" "October Sky?" Are you really going to tell me that the actor that played "Batman" and George from the "Facts of Life" is more deserving? You are aren't you?!

In any matter, we're just happy to see "Brokeback Mountain" get recognized and give it five "Plastic Horses" for outstanding acting, directing, and hot Gyllenhaal on Ledger action. That's just our way of saying that its one of the most beautiful and real love stories ever made, and "eat it Capote."

5 out of 5 "Plastic Horses." An FPB first!

TomKate Files, Adventures in the Paranormal

2006-02-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

Everybody who knows me knows that this Plastic loves some X-Files. Even though I'm going to school for journalism, something in me still wants to be a special agent. I want to bust down a door someday. With my foot. And seriously, a fire still burns for Fox Mulder. Always has, always will. He was simply beautiful.
Sometimes things in everyday life will remind me of that beloved 90's cult hit and I'll feel warm inside...sunflower seeds, the song "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" etc. However, there are some things that remind me of an X-Files case which do not inflict pleasant feelings. I experience this most often with one man. That man is Tom Cruise.

He has officially crossed the line from "eccentric hollywood crazy" into "put-the-lotion-in-the-basket creepy."

Cruise has said he has Katie "tucked away" (eep!) so that no one will get to us until my chld is born."
[Source: thebosh.com]

Insane in the membrane! Notice how he says "my" child. Which is odd because, although I'm not complete convinced of the authenticity of the pregnancy, it seems that at every one of their "totally spontaneous" sightings Katie is carrying his this supposed umborn fetus in her womb. I'm officially creeped out, every X-Files fan knows that 'tucked away' is code for "on a rolling cart beneath my bed."

"You so crazy... I think I wanna have your babies!"

Previously: Dear Katie

Celebrity Crush(es) of the Month: The Dudes

2006-01-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

I love comedians. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Aziz Ansari...there's something sexy about a guy who can make you laugh your ass off. Of course it doesn't hurt when they're cute as hell. Enter Andy Samberg.
Words cannot express how much I love the SNL short "Lazy Sunday (The Chronic-What!-Cles of Narnia)" It introduced the instant classic phrases "That bakery's got all the bomb frostings, I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling" and "Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious." These phrases will be forever woven into the fabric of American pop culture in the same vein with "I need more cowbell" and "I'm all verklempt," except even more awesome. Yeah, I said it. The endearingly goofy Samberg co-wrote the short with his equally talented and adorable friends and fellow members of "The Lonely Island," Jorma and Akiva (they're collectively known as the Dudes) and SNL castmember Chris Parnell. The Dudes are just about the best thing in sketch comedy. They're humor is witty, quirky, and most of all, fun. They parody the grotesque scene from "Reservoir Dogs" only to turn around and spoof "Almost Famous." Some of their most popular work has been for Channel101.com in which they mock "The O.C." in a series called The 'Bu..troubled, rich white kids who struggle with romantic queries, alcoholism, and the fact that one of them lives a secret life as a ninja. They have also attempted to make "Hoobastank" an interjection. Yeah I'm in LOVE here people.

But the Dudes' specialty has to be their raps. Deeming themselves 'Incredibad,' their songs and videos have a certain Beastie Boys-esque charm, especially my personal favorites "KaBlamo" ("Your jello is wobbly (Thats Kablamo!) You met Gilbert Godfrey, That's Kablamo!)
The Dude's began more recognition after penning sketches for Jimmy Fallon for the MTV movie awards. This got the attention of Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels who hired Samberg as a featured player and Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer as writers. So when you laugh at Saturday Night Live for the first time in years, you can thank the Dudes. Short of making Horatio Sanz funny, I don't think there is any thing they can't do.

"Crazy delicious!"

www.thelonelyisland.com

Entertainment Update

2005-11-29T20:58:00.000-08:00

Its incredibly old news by now but the spawn of Tomkat has landed and rumor has it that it's a boy, ensuring that the tradition of paying off young actresses and impregnating them will be passed down the line. It's a beautiful thing really.

"TomSperm, yay!"

We tried to warn Katie. Obviously to no avail. But Nicole Kidman knows what's up:
[link]

That's called an upgrade, kids.

Kimberly Stewart (eww!) and Talan from Laguna Beach were engaged (Random!) ,but now they're not. Dunzo! The cause for the demise of the relationship is unknown but if we've learned anything from Season 2, Jason was probably involved. So standard.

"Dunzo!"

The Plastics don't understand the Talan/Jason/Stephen craze...not cool. Talan- douchebag that thinks he can sing and apparently would actually think seriously about settling down with the lagoon creature that is Kim Stewart. Jason-based on the show he is imcapable of forming a complete sentence (and it doesn't constitute as the strong silent type if you rely on grunts to converse) Stephen-don't even get us started. Boyfriend's got issues like whoah.
The Plastics would like to take the opportunity to show appreciation for the untapped Laguna wealth that is Dieter. Sure he's kind of odd looking and his name was Dieter but he was a standup guy. Did anyone care? Oh no. We were too interested in Jason weren't we? I'm looking at you Jessica.

"Love for the Deet, yo!"

Surviving the Hiatus, The O.C. Recap

2005-10-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

After an episode filled with sex, alcohol, and not so graphic violence, Marissa having to begin public school seems a little anti-climactic. But this is a hardcore public school, ya'll. It got like, paint-chipped lockers and non-themed dances. I would venture to say that it even has poor cell phone reception. Damn, Coop. But thats not even the worst of it. There are also scary faux-goth girls who tease her about her Chanel clothing, Chanel handbag, and Chanel necklace. That Marissa Cooper sure is coordinated!
Back at Harbor, Summer is fussing over the upcoming school dance. Seth brings her some coffee, because he's awesome. Who should enter but...dum-dum-dum...the Mean Dean Hess, hired by Harbor School to strike fear in the hears of wealthy Orange County private school children. Hess insists that Cohen will be cleaning the boys locker room (ew) as part of his punishment for the great Harbor Tiki Hut Heist of 2005. If you didn't tune in last week, Seth and Summer stole the prop for Ryan and Marissa's very special night in which the consumated their relationship while the majority of the viewing audience was under the false impression that this was something they had already done. I saw this tiki hut and it appeared rather flimsy for the activity that was about to take place beneath it. Seth took the blame for the incident because when he's not licking whipped cream off of bikini clad women for MTV's Spring Break, he's a damn good boyfriend. Love Cohen. So anyway, Summer's all "let me tell the dean that I helped" even though she could have did that when Seth was originally caught. I would if Seth Cohen was my boyfriend. In fact, I would do nothing more than hang out at the Cohen's house and eat bagels with the family. But then, I'm a massive loser. Perhaps there was a Paul Frank sale the next day.
Ryan is being homeschooled this year. Its sweet that the Cohens want the best possible education for Ryan. A gesture that Ryan greets with asking Sandy if he can go to public school with Marissa. Hey Ryan, remember when you were kind of badass and you wore wrist cuffs and got into fights? I miss those days. Let's have a throwback to that era. Sandy tells Ryan to focus on his future rather than worrying about Marissa Cooper for once. Amen, brotha. Ryan exits leaving Sandy alone to stare at Kirsten accusingly. At least I thought thats what he was doing. Kiki, you did not relapse already! But its all good. She was just gardening. She's also decided that she wants to learn to cook. And just for the record, I don't like that. Kirsten doesn't cook, she orders Thai food bi-weekly. Thats how the Cohens roll. Apparently, Sandy does like this because he's all over her like white on Thai rice and its awesome. I don't know if its wierd that I like sexual scenes between the parental units on this show, but I totally do. Probably because I find Peter Gallagher hot.
Despite what legions of teens might tell you, the saddest part of this episode is not Marissa's run-in with the faux-goth brigade at Newport Union. The truly emotional scenes lie, as always, with Ms. Julie Cooper. Her mansion and all of her belongings are being repossesed. And I'm not kidding when I say that this was tragic for me. But more on that later.
We have to make a return to Ghetto High where Marissa is targeted by the leader of the faux-goth posse, Heather. Of course a nice student comes to her rescue because thats how it works in television. But in a shocking turn of events, said student informs Marissa that she's "not even that nice." Um, okay. Wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea and think you weren't "hardcore" for the first few episodes your in. This un-nice girl is named Casey by the way, and the actress who portrays her was in "Freaks and Geeks" which gives her a bit of a break in my book for being really freaking annoying in this show.
We once again return to harbor. And might I say that I like this constant back and forth between the two schools. Its kind of like how they used to switch shots between Chino and Newport and the "ChinoCam" was consistantly darker because the sun never shines in the ghetto. So Summer is busy supervising decorations for the school dance when who should enter but Taylor Townsend. This time, its to make peace. She goes into this lame speech about how no one in high school knows the "real her" and how she wants people to write nice, more personal messages in her senior yearbook. I was really praying that this was a ploy on Taylor's part (it is), because first of all, that the lamest thing I've ever heard, and second, she was really starting to grow on me as a bitch character. Also, I know I'm supposed to be all "U go girl!" with the Summer storyline but the fact is Taylor did organize the kickoff carnival. All Summer suggested was a chocolate fountain and some mini-burgers. Its like when your in junior high and your totally papering and painting your ass off for the dance and the popular girl's all like, hey lets have funnel cakes, and all of a sudden she's the shit. And you just go back to making your paper mache dolphin. So I'm having a tough time siding with her on this one.Summer is sympathetic to Taylor, allowing her to be on the dance committee.
Marissa is having difficulty with a locker. Thankfully a sexy model type with surfer hair approaches to tell her that the locker is actually his, but that she can store her books in it. And I don't know if you are familiar with how things work at a public school, but this always happens. Its right there is the manual, folks. The prettiness is named Johnny and he's un-nice girls boyfriend. A guy on a skateboard approaches. His name is Dennis but he's wants the nickname Chili. He's been on the screen for two seconds and I already want to punch his head in. ChiliCheese is clearly supposed to be the Seth 2.0. But he's just...not. He's Screech. And that was annoying in 1995. However, Marissa isn't going to be choosy when it comes to gaining new friends. She calls Ryan to tell him that if he hasn't already left, she won't need a ride home from school, because she's going to get a ride home with Johnny and Casey. And since when doesn't Marissa have a car? Ryan lies that he hasn't left, even though he's sitting in the parking lot.
Marissa is in her room exchanging her Chanel purses for some that won't get her jumped by faux goths. Julie comes in all classy like she's not getting all of her posessions shanked by the feds. She asks Marissa if she can stay with Summer until they get "back on their feet." Marrisa assures Julie that they'll be okay and is sure that her mother has saved over the years. Well, see, she would have Marissa, if she weren't spending money on your Channel clothing and matching Channel accessories, not to mention Caitlyn's hairless pony. Speaking of Caitlyn, where the hell is she? I know they can't afford to keep her in boarding school. I'm getting a little concerned for her well being. Julie knows that she's screwed. I want to hug her.
Poor Marissa. Too bad she has to move out of her house and into her best friends ridiculously GORGEOUS and GINORMOUS
mansion. Seriously. Marissa gets all of her wordly posessions packed up in record time and moves into Summer's house the same morning, apparently. She forgets that she's supposed to be having breakfast with Ryan. Nice going Mariss. Way to diss your extremely hot boyfriend once again. Whats up? Was the sex that bad? I mean I know he's not built like your ex, Buffy McJockstrap, but give the man a break. Ryan understands. These things happen when your kicked out of your house.
Creepy Charlotte from rehab sends Kristen some creepy flowers and wants to me for lunch, and it will be creepy. I hate this woman. This is what they do, they introduce decent characters then take them away and bring on annoying people who I want to punch in the face. I want Charlotte and ChiliCheese to be banished to the island of lost characters. Someone needs to tend to Caitlyn. Creepy Charlotte's boyfriend demands that Kristen come through with the money. You see, Charlottes motives were less than honorable. Color me surprised.
Back at Harbor, Taylor Townsend warns Summer that if Dean Hess doesn't have the name of the accomplice in the Great Tiki Hut Hiest by that afternoon, her boyfriend will be suspended. Summer believes her and confesses to the crime. Dean Hess explains that he must revoke Summers title as social chair due to her thug life. Damn, its hard to be gangsta. Summer's replacement will me Taylor she supposes. Foiled again, Summer Roberts.
Next we see Julie at the Newport Group asking Sandy if the company could give her a personal loan. Sandy's all "it's illigal." You've really lost your edge there, Sandy. However, he does offer Julie money from the Bank Of Cohen, which is a never ending supply of wealth. I think this is sweet, I really do. I love that Sandy wants to help others. But lets not turn the Cohens into the Camdems. If you're not familiar with the Camdems, they're that annoying family from "7th Heaven" that you hate. Even if you've never seen the show, trust me when I say that you hate them. Its the preacher and his wife that are always butting into the business of the neighborhood kids even though they're own kids are fucked up, what with Simon thinking he's invisible and Ruthie with her imaginary friends. This is just a very Camden thing to do, that or inviting Julie to live with them because she's a troubled youth. This would actually make for an awesome storyline, but it turns out the Cohens have already done that. Julie's not down with the Camdem way and insists that the loan wasn't really necessary.
Now that Summer's caught on to Taylor's little game, she's here to let her know that its on with a little finger snap thrown in to show she means business. Taylor counters that she better be prepared before the takes on the "human quagmire." Summer would have a really good comeback, but she doesn't know what a quagmire is and it throws her. I love Summer with her "oh snap" attitude and looking like she could beat a bitch down, but I don't like them making her out to be an idiot. Even I know what a quagmire is. Its the pervy character from "Family Guy."
Back at Gangsta's Paradise, Marissa learns of the un-themed school dance that will take place the following night which she doesn't plan on attending. Then she gets teased by Hardass Heather the faux-goth queen because she shot someone. Heather, as a rule of thumb, its generally not a good idea to bring up sore and offensive subjects with people who may be prone to shooting people. Of course, Marissa doesn't really have a long history of violence, but now would be the time to fake it and tell Heather that if she doesn't back off she's busting out the brass knuckles and her homies from the pen on her ass. But Marissa is a pansy and runs away crying. Johnny follows her because its every man's dreams to find an angsty and emotionally unstable girl. Ryan pulls up just in time to do his Chino Math and put two and two together. If Marissa is crying and there is someone within a 30 foot radius, it can only mean one thing. Thankfully, he is very calm and un-assuming, promptly demanding that Marissa tell him what Johnny did to her. They insist that its not Johnny's fault and Ryan begrudgingly shakes Johnny's hand. Marissa stalks of angstily because that means "I'm upset with you and we need to discuss our issues" in Marissa.
The next day Ryan is brooding, but extra broody-like this time. So Seth knows somethings up. He declares that he is in need of "Seth-Ryan" time. Yay! I've missed Seth-Ryan time. But this session is dissapointing and brief. Then Seth snits about Ryan being homeschooled, jokingly, but not in his usual Seth way, ya know? Probably not.
Ryan takes Seth obvious advice and calls Marissa to appologize. She accepts. Not angst, no brooding, no Marissa Cooper gawking emotionally. Just appology accepted. I think this is a step in the right direction, kids. Ryan asks Marissa out to the movies suggesting that they could pommel the usher and get free Milk Duds. Because in Orange County the usher passes out assorted snacks. Marissa has homework. She should really get a start on that because at Newport Union, they have assignments and not just as plot devices.
Kirsten and Creepy Charlotte meet for lunch to discuss her idea for a sort of half-way house for ex-rehab patients, and yes, it will be creepy, that is it would if it were to exist. Charlooter only wants Kirsten to put up a couple million for the cause. Kirsten explains that that won't be possible since her father was broke when he died. Charlooter doesn't understand how this can be. She asks if the Newport Group could be a silent parter, and Kirsten explains that the Newport will cease to exist in a matter of weeks. Charlooter Dr. Phils that this is just Kirsten's way of erasing her father's memory and its not healthy and shit. Kiki ponders but she's no idiot so she'll make the right decision.
The Repo-man returns to Jule's house and tells her that its the end of the line. Julie is shocked. Hang in there Jules. We love ya.
Marissa is busy doing her homework if by "doing homework" you mean lounging in Summer's ridonculous pool. The doorbell rings and its that wacky gang from New-Pizzle Union. They're not going to the dance without her! Of all the aspects of highschool displayed in this episode, this is the most unrealistic. I have lifelong friends who are all, "You're not going? That sucks. We'll be thinking of you during 'The Cha-Cha Slide' " I just don't understand why these kids would be so apeshit over Marissa already. Is it her beaming personality? Or perhaps they have ulterior motives. They're on a mission from Charlooter. Or they're in a cult! Yes, thats it! They're in a "Saved By The Bell" Cult. They already have a Zach and a Screech and a Jessie. But Marissa, she would make a brilliant Kelly Kapowski. They were just wondering if Marissa had connections to a weightlifter with a slight homosexual vibe. Now where did we put D.J.?
Ryan and Seth arrive at Summer's. Seth to pick up Summer for the dance and Ryan to make his night calls. Conveniently, they arrive at the same time Marissa is about to leave with her new cul--I mean, new friends. Before Ryan can start busting his Chino caps in Johnny's and ,unfortunatey, ChiliDog's respective asses, Marissa explains that she didn't know that she was going to be attending the dance and it had nothing to do with the fight they had. Ryan tells her she should go to the dance and watches her drive away looking especially broody.
There ain't no party like a Newport Union Party..except there probably is because this dance is pretty lame. It reminds me of my Back to School dances, so at least they get points for being somewhat realistic in that aspect. ChiliDog spikes the punch, hilarity will probably ensue but we won't see it. Heather continues to mock Marissa at the dance because someone forgot to tell her that hardasses don't go to school dances. Marissa runs out of the room. Maybe with time she'll think up a new reaction.
The Harbor School dance is the shit and doesn't remind me of any of my school dances. Taylor Townsend has the mic so you will listen to every damn word she has to say. What she has to say, is to thank Dean Hess by calling him to the stage because they're totally doing it. But you don't know that yet. Except you probably did, because you most likely called it two episodes ago with the rest of the viewing audience. But they're just going to let this little plot twist build for a while. Well, for another five minutes. Taylor remarks that this dance is "the end of Summer." Coincidence? Umm, well..no. Its not. Summer is pissed.
Seth calls Ryan to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid because Seth has experience making bad decisions in an effort to win girls over. Its sweet that he's concerned about Ryan. They're so in love. You'll never convince me otherwise.
Ryan doesn't listen. He's already heading to the Newport Dance. But since they are so in love, Seth already knows Ryan's next move and meets him at Newport Union to stop him from going inside. And then they share a steamy kiss. Not really. But they should have.
Back at Harbor, Summer is wandering around looking for "Co-Hizzle" (hee!) as she says. She then spots Taylor Townsend lurking around in dark corners, which could only mean one thing. Actually it could mean two things, either Taylor is a Gargoyle who's been waiting for nightfall to turn back into flesh or she's meeting someone. Turns out its the latter. Go figure. And its Dean Hess! Go figure! Summer watches in shock and awe, but doesn't take a picture. Your phone girlfriend!
Julie is staying in a sketchy motel, surrounded by her Louis Vuitton bags. I weep for her.
Marissa meets Ryan at his poolhouse and declares that the next song that comes on the radio will be "their song." Because that is the answer to saving a relationship. A hip hop song comes on and they laugh. And I laugh, even harder than at anything ChiliDog said believe it or not. They switch to the next song which is Youth Group's cover of "Forever Young" but not the Rod Stewart "Forever Young" because that's for old fogies. Its the perfect song for a musical montage, which is nice because I'm a sucker for a musical montage. Ryan and Marissa dance which is sweet I guess, but would be totally sweeter if it were Ryan and Seth. Julie cries in the sketchy motel. Kirsten and Sandy share a romantic dinner. Summer dances with Seth and observes the Dean and Taylor while looking bewildered. And for some reason we see Charlooter and her Scuzfriend doing the deed although its in no way benefitial to the plot.
Plastic Rating: 2 out of 5 Plastic Horses

Celebrity Crush of the week, Josh Schwartz

2005-09-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Josh Schwartz isn't your typical celebrity. He isn't partying with Nicole Ritchie on the weekends or getting blow jobs from Paris (although she was on the show...bribery? We try not to think of such things.) I'm not even sure that he is a celebrity. But is that stopping me? Oh no. Because Josh Schwartz is a cute Jewish man who just happened to create The O.C. This makes him my boyfriend.
Sure, I was angry with him last year. What with messing with Sandy and Kirsten and trying to change my beloved Seth. But this year? Oh, it's back. This is the O.C. I know and love. Julie being the "grieving widow"/ awesome conniving bitch? Check. Seth being adorable and sarcastic? Check. Jimmy Cooper getting ass beat down by loan sharks while we sway to Black Rebel Motercycle Club's "Salvation?" Check. Me weeping the entire last fifteen minutes of the episode, while Jimmy tells Marissa he has to skip town and Kirsten comes home from rehab? Check.
Now Schwartz, if only you'd bring back Ryan and Seth's blantant homoeroticism. I would surely have your babies.

Oh yeah, I'd do him.

Lindsay Lohan Is Not A Dirty Pirate Hooker, Okay?

2005-09-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan gets a bad rap. And we at FPB just don't understand it.
Yes, we admit, the singing career pains us a little. But hey, there are people who sing for a primary career who pain us even more. Like say, oh I don't know, someone who's name rhymes with Advil and happens to be from Canada. Sure, she's got a rep for being catty. Yet Lindsay has passed the metaphorical Hollywood peace pipe, "Hey, wanna go for In-N-Out Burger?" and was brutally rejected by Duff. Yes. Brutally. (We don't know this for a fact, but we're inferring, because that's what we do.) She did manage to make amends with one half of the Simpson sisters after Ashlee began dating her ex, Wilmer Valderamma. (And no one really likes Jessica anyway.) In the end, we love bitchfights, and if Lindsay is able to supply them on occasion, all the more reason to love her.
Perhaps its overexposure that causes the extreme L. Lo backlash. It seems she's always in the media. Are her breasts real? Where did her breasts go? Lindsey Lohan is anorexic. Lindsey Lohan does cocaine. Lindsey Lohan is a dirty pirate hooker. It never ends. But its the trainwreck Lindsey that we love. She's such a complete mess. Getting wasted with Nicole Richie. Having creepy grope fests with Bruce Willis and Christian Slater. Random sex with Colin Farell. Oh Linds, you crazy kid. What will we do with you? She's like your wild older sister or estranged aunt in AA, only more exciting.
We would totally party with Lindsay (as long as we stayed a minimum of 100 feet away from Christian Slater.) We would gladly bitchslap J-Simp when she wouldn't let us into her after party. We would hurl insults at whoever Valderwhatsits is dating this week and hold her hair back as you puked outside of Club paris.
Yes, the Plastics love Lindsay Lohan and we're not afraid to admit it.

Celebrity Crush of the Week, Sean Faris and Kenny Chesney

2005-09-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

There is one reason and one reason only that I watch this new Fox show, "Reunion." Surprisingly its not The O.C's Aunt Hailey dressing up as Madonna and doing interpretive dances to "Papa Don't Preach." ( Though I love Amanda Righetti.) Nor is it the 80's namedrops ad nauseum. No, I watch "Reunion" for the sole purpose of gazing at the prettiness of Sean Faris. And I have no shame. Sean is the reason I continue to watch "Sleepover" though it is beyond unacceptable for a person of my demographic to be watching a movie clearly targeting 13 year olds. But Sean Faris as the skateboarding popular boy who just happens to develop a crush on the 14 year old star of the movie. And Oh. My. God, he dances with her at the HIGH SCHOOL dance. Damn. Gets me everytime. I might cry.
Those over 13 may recognize Sean as "Dino" on the short-lived "Life As We Know It" based on Melvin Burgess's novel, "Doing It" and focused primarily on, well, doing it. It, unfortunately, tanked.
But now he's back people. And I don't care how predictable the first episode was. And I don't care about the cringe worthy dialogue ("I guess you could say 1987 started with a bang." Yes! We get it! Someone was shot! That gunshot that followed was a tip off.) And I don't care that I'm a little confused on how this is going to work if each episode represents one year. ( So like, what happens after the 20th episode? It can only last one season? Pretty crafty, Fox.) No. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the presence of Sean Faris on my screen and if that means a few comparisons between Andrew Ridgely of Wham! and John Lennon then so be it. That's how deep my love goes, Sean. That's how deep my love goes.

It's been a sad 4 months for country fans everywhere. Since the day Kenny Chesney was taken off the market, women everywhere have been mourning. But this week has brought good news, Kenny is back on the market! It is a good day for those women everywhere and that is why Kenny is the Celbrity crush of the week. We all know that he has the sexiest tractor and forever will.
---Mare

Fetus Spears Has Landed and his name is...Preston?: An FPB Special Report

2005-09-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

We did not expect a Preston Federline.
Sure, Brit's been saying its their top choice for boy names, but we couldn't help but to hold out hope that the proud parents would bestow the name of an assorted cereal or snack cake on their new bundle of joy. You can't blame us for being a little surprised that the ambassador of manpris and 'beaters would name his offspring Preston. Federline to make up for it by training him to kick Pilot Inspektor Lee's ass in prep school.
Congratulations Brit and K-Fed!

Top Ten Reasons the MTV VMA's Should Have Been Postponed Indefinitely

2005-08-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

10) The unvieling off the Hilary Duff/ Joel Madden relationship.
To quote Seth Cohen, Holy, unholy alliances. I could care less who either is dating. But how big of a famewhore do you have to be to have an official coming out party for your relationship on national fucking television? As if that weren't enough, hearing Hilary Duff cash in her street cred by declaring that she listens to Morissey and (gulp) The Murderers (The Killers) sure as hell was.
9) Mc Hammer.
The hell? Does Mc Hammer have a new album? Television show? A new line of gold parachute pants? What's with the resurrection?
8) "I asked you to go to the Greenday concert and you said... if I have to hear 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' one more time I'm shooting someone"
Greenday should have performed one of their classics.
7) Simson squared.
Unless its "The Simpsons", two Simpsons in one place is just too much. To make it easier on us, they've morphed into one person. So much for Ashlee's bout with hardcore originality.
6) Thank God the hurrican didn't stop Eva Longoria from wearing her bathing suit to present.
Bitch, please. I love Gabriel as much as the next girl, but we don't need to be reminded for the eleventy millionth time that Eva's hot.
5) I'm still unsure of what crunk is.
4) Is this the VMA's or the National Famewhore Convention?
Paris Hilton/ Bow Wow bling-off. A distasteful display of wealth. What a way to inspire the younger generation. Somewhere, Tracy Chapman weeps.
3) MTV Preshow VJ's (Except for Gideon)
Enough said.
2) Diddy. Host. What?
"Seandaleeza Rice?" "Sean-ye West?" Hilarity! Except...not.
1) If R. Kelly is trapped in your closet, do the world a favor and leave him there.
There are about three different reasons (that I can think off) R. Kelly should be in jail, like now. We'll only discuss one of those here. "Trapped In The Closet." I'm not exactly sure why I should care if Rufus goes back to Cathy. Or why there are at least six chapters devoted to this series of events, especially with lyrics like "I close my mouth and swallow spit because I'm thinking to myself this is some deep shit." Dylan he is not.

Redeeming moments:

Our love for Gideon Yago will go on.
The Killers performance. Brandon Flowers sweatiness.
Dane Cook.
Jeremy Piven, innebriated or not, it was nice to see him.
Um...Kelly Clarkson. She could very well be our new Mandy Moore. We swear we'll never say that again.

Entertainment Update

2005-08-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

The Plastics would like to sincerely appologize for the lack of updates. We each had to haul ass to our respective schools and just didn't have time to give our thoughts on Paris Hilton's devastating breakup with man Paris. We were a bit saddened, we must admit. However, this does mean that Paris will be on the prowl yet again, which is always exciting. Jesse McCartney, watch your ass.

Madonna is currently recovering from a horseback riding accident. As the last of the existing Madonna fans (see Dear Madonna, A Letter Of Hope) I would like to extend my condolences. Let the Kabbalah heal you, Madge. Or the morphine. Whatever works. Take a look at this site for a look at the Material Girl at happier times.

There has been a troubling shortage of TomKat news lately. Luckily film of a young Tom Cruise in drag swoops in from Celebrity Hell to save the day. I went as a Gypsy for Halloween too, Tom! I suppose someone should warn Katie that old habits die hard, though he does do a nice job with his makeup.
source [dlisted.blogspot.com]

Everyone should check out the Killers single, "Glamourous Indie Rock and Roll" from the deluxe edition of "Hot Fuss."

"Stay if you wanna love me, stay
Oh don't be shy, let's cause a scene
Like lovers do on silver screens
Let's make it yeah, we'll cause a scene"

Oh swoon. I want to be Brandon Flowers' additional wife. Or makeup artist.

-Bobbie

Celebrity Crush of the Week, Paul Rudd and Sean Hayes

2005-08-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

Paul Rudd is a very special celebrity crush because he was in the greatest cinematic masterpiece of all time, Clueless. Sigh. How I swooned over Josh Lucas. He was smart. He listened to Radiohead. He danced with Thai. He got Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree. He understood that Ren and Stimpy were way existential. Oh, Josh. How dreamy thou art.
After Clueless, Paul appeared in Baz Luhrmann's adaption of Romeo and Juliet as...the guy who wasn't Leonardo Dicaprio. After a more memorable role in 1998's The Object of My Affection with Jennifer Anniston, Paul took a turn for more comedic roles, working with our beloved Michael Ian Black in Stella Shorts and Wet Hot American Summer. In 2004 he became the sexiest man to ever rock a mustache in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
However, his greatest role was resuscitating a bird in a hilarious Ed Holmes news piece for The Daily Show. Could I love him any more? Possibly. Because he's teaming up again with Daily Show vet, Steve Carell (also in Anchorman) , in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Any friend of the Daily Show is a damn worthy celebrity crush.
Paul, you're way existential. And we're totally butt crazy in love with you.
-Bobbie

You all know Sean Hayes as that lovable homo, Jack McFarland, from the ever popular Will & Grace. But he is so much more than that, including the host of his own reality tv show on Bravo, Situation Comedy. I know the question on everyone's mind: Is he really gay? And no matter how well Sean plays a flaming, off Broadway, homosexual, he is not gay. Winner of 3 Teen Choice Awards, 1 TV Guide Award, 3 SAG's and 1 Emmy, Hayes is an acting genius, with the bluest eyes and the cutest face, and not to mention he can be my friend anyday of the week.
-Mare

FPB News

2005-08-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

Brandon Flowers of The Killers got married. In a related story, Bobbie dies a little inside. [source:Vh1.com]

Christina Aguilera feels that Britney Spears has "let herself go." Christina Aguilara is entitled to this critique as she is the height of class and sophistication. [Yahoo! Launch]

A paparrazi lurking outside of Britney's baby shower over the weekend was shot in the leg with a pellet gun. Reports indicate that the firing came from Brit's house. Somebody got the K-Fed Jr. (Juniors?) a Red Rider, ya'll! [CNN.com]

Obligatory O.C. cast update.... Misch and Brandon Davis are back together. Mischa, Mischa, Mischa, how many times to we have to tell you that Brandon Davis is a walking zit. Ew. Since we like you now, we feel it is our duty to tell you that you can do better. What about this Benjamin McKenzie fellow? We very much like the looks of him. [femalefirst.co.uk]

In other news, Adam Brody picks his nose? The Plastics are dissapointed but would still totally do him. Just thought we'd put that out there.

Also, Jude Law and Sienna Miller have decided to give their relationship another try. Dedication or WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING SIENNA MILLER, JUDE LAW IS SUCH A SKEEZE!!? We're going with the latter.

Celebrity Crush of the Week, Kristopher Turner and T.R. Knight

2005-08-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

Jesus help me, but I love this new show "Instant Star" on the-N. Like Degrassi, it's unbridled teen angst at its finest. It's also so cliche ridden it could spawn its own drinking game. The main character, Jude, is a singer/songwriter who doesn't want to 'sacrifice her originality' for the record industry. (Drink!) Her geeky best friend Jamie, played by
Kristopher Turner, is crazy about her but she can't see past the fact that he is her geeky best friend... despite his being the sexiest thing to come out of a Canadian teen drama. Plus, like, he wears glasses. (Drink!) He is also extremely indie. (Drink!) Jude starts dating a hot guy who will inevitably be completely wrong for her. (Drink!) Jamie's other friend is interested in him, but he has trouble getting past his fascination with Jude. (Drink!) And so on. I can't get enough of this damn show due to Kristopher Turner and his Rivers Cuomo glasses. He also had a role as a troubled gay student in the MTV movie Everybody's Doing It. Perhaps one day Kristopher will graduate from his teen angst roles. Until then, I will immensely enjoy the job he's doing in perfecting them. I love Canada. (Drink!)
-Bobbie

With the season premieres of all the fall TV shows soon to hit the air and all the reruns of the great shows all summer preparing you by showing all those little moments you missed the first time around, like when the phone rang or the cat was climbing your leg. And those summer reruns are the reason for our new obsession with the new show on ABC, Grey's Anatomy. It has been called Sex and the City meets ER, but it's the lovable cast that makes it great, Dr. McDreamy, The Nazi, and the self-centered, arrogant head of cardio. But the young pack of interns, make the show what it is, and T.R. Knight is one of those fine interns, George O'Malley. T.R. Knight plays that lovable guy that's always there to give you comfort but always manages to say the wrong thing. T.R. even guested on CSI as Zero Adams, a mentally challenged orphan, who's older brother gambled away his life savings. It was here where T.R. first swept me away, but now as the surgical intern on Grey's, he is knocking the whole nation on their ass with his lovable personality, or it might be Patrick Dempsey, but either way, lovable George is here to stay.
-Mare

More Entertaining than People, Less Credibility than Us Weekly, FPB Entertainment News

2005-08-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

When asked how she felt about ex-husband Brad Pitt's platinum blonde locks, Jennifer Anniston responded, "Billy Idol called, he wants his look back." Oh..oh zing. And we're sure Brad Pitt feels the sting of that remark all the way across the globe where he's....bonding with Angelina Jolie. We really feel that Anniston has the upperhand here. Way to kick them when they're down, Jenny.
You can find the least gratifying comeback of the century in the latest issue of
Vanity Fair.

Celebrity Crush of the Week, Harry Potter and Jeremy Piven

2005-07-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

We at FPB, just like the entire world, have been swept by Pottermania... well at least I have. I mean what more can you look for in a man than someone who can survive the death curse and is a kickass Quiditch player? Nothing....Didn't think so. Harry just has so many qualities that are so awesome such as being a wizard, how cool is that?! I heard he even has a hungarian horntail tattoed across his chest, if that isn't a cool, wizard, I don't know what is?
-Mare

Until recently, Jeremy Piven based career on being a best friend. John Cusack's best friend. And it was a shame. Don't get me wrong...Jeremy Piven is an awesome best friend. In fact, he can be my friend! A friend who gives me helpful relationship advice. That faithful friend who is always there to help me win over my significant other.
But does Jeremy Piven ever find love? No. But he will damn well help John Cusack find it. What about what he wants? Did you ever think about that, Cusack?
These days Piven is playing anything but a friend on HBO's hit comedy, "Entourage" as asshole casting agent, Ari Gold, delivering classics such as "Let's hug it out, bitch." The role landed him an Emmy nomination for supporting actor in a comedy series and he was recently named one of People Magazine's 50 Hottest Bachelors, proving that you can still be sexy with a receeding hair line. Let's hug it out, indeed. Anytime Mr. Piven. Anytime.
-Bobbie

FPB News, Jude Law Loves Your Nanny

2005-07-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

-Don't support John Roberts as a Supreme Court Justice?
Tequila Red has listed some awesome alternatives. I would go Oprah. I always go Oprah.
Or perhaps your still holding out for our favorite B-list actor and music video crasher. Eric Roberts in da courthouse! Whoop!
[link]
-We're sure the fact that Jude Law bangs his nanny is old news by now. And yes, it's still as disturbing as when we were first informed. We're only wondering when the initial nanny-fetish began. Did Jude watch Mary Poppins as a young chap back in England and lust after Julie Andrew's spoon fulls of sugar? Or is he just another British actor who can't keep it in his trousers despite being engaged to a beautiful actress? Don't think you're going to Hugh Grant your way out of this one, Law. As if we needed another reason not to see Alfie.

The Plastic Picks, Emmy Nominations Edition

2005-07-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

The nominations for the annual Emmy Awards were announced Thursday, July 14th. As usual we'll attempt to prove our superior television expertise (yes, better than you Academy of Television Arts and Sciences) in this edition of The Plastic Picks. And as usual, the Academy won't agree.

Comedy Series: "Arrested Development," Fox; "Desperate Housewives," ABC; "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; "Scrubs," NBC; "Will & Grace," NBC
Our pick: Wait a minute. "Desperate Housewives" is a comedy? Hello? It centers around a dead person. Okay, Nicolette is pretty hilarious. "Desperate Housewives" or "Scrubs"

Drama Series: "Deadwood," HBO; "Lost," ABC; "Six Feet Under," HBO; "24," Fox; "The West Wing," NBC.
Our pick: No "CSI"? Bastards. Um, "Lost."

Variety, Music or Comedy Series: "Da Ali G Show," HBO; "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," Comedy Central; "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," NBC; "Late Show With David Letterman," CBS; "Real Time With Bill Maher," HBO.
Our pick: "The Daily Show," though we wouldn't be mad if Conan won.

Actor, Drama Series: James Spader, "Boston Legal," ABC; Ian McShane, "Deadwood," HBO; Hugh Laurie, "House," Fox; Hank Azaria, "Huff," Showtime; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
Our pick: James Spader, "Boston Legal"

Actress, Drama Series: Jennifer Garner, "Alias," ABC; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," NBC; Patricia Arquette, "Medium," NBC; Glenn Close, "The Shield," FX; Frances Conroy, "Six Feet Under," HBO.
Our pick: Glenn Close, "The Shield"

Supporting Actor, Drama Series: William Shatner, "Boston Legal," ABC; Oliver Platt, "Huff," Showtime; Naveen Andrews, "Lost," ABC; Terry O'Quinn, "Lost," ABC; Alan Alda, "The West Wing," NBC.
Our pick: William Shatner, "Boston Legal"

Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Blythe Danner, "Huff," Showtime; Tyne Daly, "Judging Amy," CBS; CCH Pounder, "The Shield," FX; Stockard Channing, "The West Wing," NBC.
Our pick: Sandrah Oh, "Grey's Anatomy"

Actor, Comedy Series: Jason Bateman, "Arrested Development," Fox; Ray Romano, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA; Zach Braff, "Scrubs," NBC; Eric McCormack, "Will & Grace," NBC.
Our pick: Zach Braff, "Scrubs"

Actress, Comedy Series: Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives," ABC; Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives," ABC; Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives," ABC; Patricia Heaton, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Jane Kaczmarek, "Malcolm In The Middle," Fox.
Our pick: Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, "Arrested Development," Fox; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage," HBO; Peter Boyle, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Brad Garrett, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Sean Hayes, "Will & Grace," NBC.
Our pick: We haven't had the opportunity to see "Entourage" i.e., poor and don't get HBO, but if Jeremy Piven is half as awesome and dreamy as he is in all those John Cusack movies, he gets our vote. Okay fine, Sean Hayes, "Will & Grace"

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Jessica Walter, "Arrested Development," Fox; Doris Roberts, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Holland Taylor, "Two And A Half Men," CBS; Conchata Ferrell, "Two And A Half Men," CBS; Megan Mullally, "Will & Grace," NBC.
Our pick: Megan Mullally, "Will & Grace"

WTF? : The Snubs

-Melinda Clarke, "The O.C." We're a little gay for Melinda around here, for her portrayal of "Lady Heather" in C.S.I., but especially as Julie Cooper. Even as a die hard fan, I have to admit that The O.C. experienced the text book definition of a second season slump. I'm looking at you D.J. the gardener, Lindsey with the lisp, Alex the brooding bisexual, Zach the perfect boyfriend, and any other secondary characters I may have forgotten.
But seriously. Julie Cooper? Fucking awesome. Not since the days of Heather Locklear on Melrose Place has there been such a lovable T.V. bitch. Yet even at her bitchiest, Julie has heart. Who didn't tear up when she jumped in the pool to save her soon to be ex-husband, Caleb? Sure, moments before she was going to drug his martini, but the point is she didn't do it. And what about her attempts to cover up her 80's porn scandal? We laughed, we cried.
Julie Cooper is a decietful, goldigging adultress. And Melinda Clarke made us love her. Thus, she deserves a nomination for Best Supporting Actress at this year's Emmy Awards.

- Sandra Oh got a nomination, but no love for Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey? This saddens us.

-Lauren Graham, Gilmore Girls, she deserves an Emmy if only for mastering GG's fastpaced dialogue loaded with pop culture quips. Yet she and her equally talented co-stars, Alexis Bledil and Kelly Bishop won't be leaving Stars Hollow for the Emmy's.
-Bobbie

- CSI, Would someone over at the Academy like to explain why CSI did not recieve a nomination as best drama series??? We're waiting.....Not only is it the best drama on the air at the time being, but it is packed full of awesome camera shots, a great cast, and memorable guests (including Desperate's own Marica Cross and Gray's T.R. Knight). Did the Academy not even take a glance at the dramatic story lines? I mean who could not love the one this season about the Swingers (which even guested Doug Savant from DH) or the one about the transexuals. They must be smoking crack while watching that lame ass show 24, yanno, Jack Bauer might save the world in a day, but Gil Grissom lets us all sleep easy knowing that the bad guy is caught week after week, I mean who needs the freakin world when ya got Grissom?
-Mare

Celebrity Crushes of the Week, Colin Hanks and Johnny Depp

2005-07-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

We at FPB love Tom Hanks, so naturally we would love his offspring. However,Colin Hanks has enough talent and adorability to stand on his own. How cute was he as Shaun Brumder in the 2002 comedy, Orange County? Cute enough for us to sit through Jack Black's pothead mannerisms for a full 82 minutes, thats how. Oh, and he was hilarious as flirtatious actor Grady Bridges on The O.C.
After suffering through a couple of supporting roles in failed teen comedies and starring in critically acclaimed but little publicized indie films, he seems to finally be hitting his stride. If by "hitting his stride" you mean getting a role in the upcoming Peter Jackson epic King Kong. No? Well then, he'll also be starring with his father in the 2006 film The Great Buck Howard.
I know what you're thinking. But before crying nepotism, you should remember that many actors who spawn from Hollywood families have been able to carve their own niche in the world of fame, based on their own talent rather than their relatives. Got that, Macaulay Culkin?
You can call it nepotism if you must, but no matter what Colin Hanks does, he still never made a Bosom Buddies. And that's what you call learning from your elders.
-Bobbie

Johnny Depp has been in many movies, creepy movies, movies about pirates, movies about guys with scissors for hands, and even a bad boy who likes to cry. But in his latest role he is the chocolateer, Willy Wonka. Now usually I don't find the Depp man attractive (unless he is clean shaven), but in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a remake of the 1971 movie starring Gene Wilder, Depp has the white, pasty look down and might I say he does it well. But the best part are Mr. Wonka's pearly whites. Now I have seen some good teeth in my day, Patrick Dempsey has some nice ones too, ole Willy's take the cake. And that's why Depp is the man of the week.

-Mare

This Song Is Bananas. Whatever That Means.

2005-07-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

After Gwen Stefani's annoyingly catchy ode to bananas, I was all prepared to give up on her. That is, until I heard "Cool" again for the first time since Seth and Summer danced to it at the Sno.C, bitches. I love it as much as ever.
Also, the video is...pretty.
So pretty.

At least I think he's the guy in the video. Does it really matter? I think not.
[Source: Ultragrrrl]

Tim Burton Is a Bad Egg, FPB Entertainment Update

2005-07-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

-Hollywood director, Tim Burton, deemed the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory "sappy." Oh, I know he didn't. Um, hello? The Wonkatania scares the hell out of me.
His remake of the classic is intended to be a closer adaption of the Roald Dahl novel "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" than the 1971 film. I guess this doesn't bode well for a rousing rendition of "Pure Imagination" by Johnny Depp. Damn you, Burton. You should be kicked in the snozberries.
-Let Bono save the world from poverty, Katie Holmes needs
you. Things are getting scary in Tomkatville.
<link>
-In news that only excites myself and legions of thirteen year olds, the stars of Degrassi: The Next Generation are going on tour. Hell yes. Look out Manny, you backstabbing, boyfriend stealing wench. I'm so totally there.

Dear Katie,

2005-07-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to make a life altering decision, whatever it may be. In your case, its marrying the dude from American Pie who isn't Jason Biggs and once made that terrible movie with Leelee Sobieski, or marrying Cole fucking Trickle. It seems to be an easy decision, doesn't it?
Then came Oprah. Don't get us wrong, We'd date a lot of people to get a prime spot on the Oprah Winphrey show. Its Oprah. Oprah changes lives. Like when she gave Bernadette, the Starbucks employee a brand new house for her poverty stricken family. And the kids got brand new toys! And they were crying Katie! Weeping in utter joy and gladness!
What does Tom do? He makes a douche of himself by dragging the media circus onto Oprah, the one thing that is true and decent in this world. Each time he reprises his lame couch mounting stunt, a little part of you dies.
In fact, its already begun to take affect. You're no longer Katie Holmes, America's sweetheart. You're part of a greater product. A product known as TomKat, in which your paraded around feeding the media outlets with contrived statements regarding how you're totally in love, how Tom is the most amazing man in the whole entire world, and how gnarly Scientology is.
Oh yeah, and the evils of medication. Which means after you and your fantabulous manchild procreate, squeezing out a little Tom-atie is going to be a bitch.
Run away Katie. Don't be chained to the shackles of a forced Hollywood romance. We at FPB know there's still a little Joey Potter in there somewhere. Maybe you can find your own Dawson. Or Pacey. Or whoever you ended up with on that godforsaken show.
And you don't want to wait for you life to be over, missy. You want to know right now.
What will it be?

Love,
The Plastics

War Of the Dickwads: TomKat News

2005-06-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

Damn. I can't even keep up with Tom Cruise these days. First he goes batshit crazy on
Matt Lauer...
...then my immense love for British people is reaffirmed when they
prank him at the War Of the Worlds premier...

He gets engaged...
...but not before developing a mancrush on Rob Thomas.
What?

Dudes, I had a ginormous crush on Rob Thomas when I was 15 and I know he has better taste.
Never fear, the inevitable letter to Katie Holmes is coming soon.

The Douchiest Name In News

2005-06-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

What in the name of Brett Somers was HarperCollins thinking when they agreed to publish a kid's advice book by Bill freaking O'Reilly. The asolute obsurdity of the matter is really starting to sink in for me. I hope you don't think this is getting you off of our list, Bill. What a douche.
www.sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com/FactorForKidsReview.com

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Talk To Russell Crowe

2005-06-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

-We at FPB had thought filming an entire movie with the bubbly, semi-flighty, Renee Zellwegger had tamed renowned pissy actor, Russell Crowe into a big old softy. Or had made him temporarily insane. It was to no avail. Crowe was arrested yesterday morning for chunking a telephone at a Manhattan hotel employee. Russell Crowe is back on the list of celebrities who scare the bejesus out of us. Congratulations, Crowe! Though, he does get points for being funny on Ellen and having a sexy accent. Cinderalla Man is in theaters now if you're brave enough.

-Tis a fine line between "Bohemian Chic" and...
baglady.
Let that be a lesson to you, Mary-Kate Olsen.

-Despite of, or perhaps resulting from, their weekly discussion of "crazy good" sex, the ratings
for the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline UPN reality show, Chaotic, have steadily declined since its debut on May 17. The Newlyweds knockoff only managed hold 2.5 million viewers, which means its getting its ass kicked by shows like Dancing With the Stars. Given Britney's tabloid fodder life this may seem a bit puzzling to her. I suppose this is what happens when the most attractive man on your reality show is Kevin Federline.
In other news, the Federletus is a girl, ya'll!

You Tried To Kill Lindsay Lohan, Prepare To Die

2005-06-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

-Yo, L. Lo. Its been a rough couple of weeks, hasn't it? First you loose out on the Mission Impossible role, then the damn paparazzi tries to kill you. Also, you didn't hear this from me but I think Wilmer has been seeing that ho, Longoria. I know. It'll be okay. You really should have Paris hook you up with some Carl's Jr., though. That's all I'm saying.
-Christian Slater was arrested last Tuesday for groping a woman in a Manhattan store. What is it with celebrities that makes them think they can go around groping anyone and anything they want? Jesus H., at least ask politely. Then, depending on the extent of your celebrity, you can find a consenting individual who will let you grab their ass. Slater, however, falls somewhere below Clay Aiken on the scale of celebrity ass grabbing acceptability. Consequently, he will report for a hearing in a Manhattan court on July 14.
In related news, ew. Christian Slater is so gross.
-Paris Hilton has announced her engagement to Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. You can join the contest to name the inevitable reality show by posting a comment. "Living In Paris" jokes, not welcome.
[Source: Yahoo! News]

Bo and Daisy Duke It Out, American Idol Finale Part 2

2005-05-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

Pre-show:
I always love watching American Idol finale pre-shows because its the ultimate showcase of B-List stars. And I love B-list stars. I wish Tim Matheson would have been there, but we got David Hasselhoff instead. And a sober Courtney Love. Someone take a picture. I really like Courtney Love, mainly because I used to have an obsession with that Hole song, "Make Me Over." Courtney Love has never watched American Idol because she likes indie rock. But she's there with her daughter who says that Bo rocks. Awesome. I wonder what Courtney is going to think of the vagina song.
Finale:
The group medley. The group medley reaches dangerous levels of cheese. There will never be anything cheesier than the group medley. You could have the entire cast sing "We Are The World" with Lionel Ritchie while being accompanied by John Tesh and it still would not equal this immense level of cheese. I worry for Constantine and Scott. Oh, and the Lenny Kravitz posing as an American Idol contestant. They're nearing 30 and they're in color coordinated outfits, singing "Daddy Took the T-Bird Away." Constantine of course pulls it off. Because he's awesome. Then, just when I thought he couldn't do more with a camera, he kisses it. I'm fully convinced that if he had been there for one more week, he would have thrown it down on the ground and actually made passionate love to the lens. He's great.
After meeting our Beach Boys quota for the next, oh 50 years, the finalists are escorted backstage, because, as Ryan tells us, this night is all about Bo and Carrie. But first, there will be filler. And plenty of it. Like footage of top 12 finalist Mikalah Gordon roaming around interviewing people. I really do hope Mikalah gets a career on television. If not, she's going to have a long, painful stint on Radio Disney, and I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Maybe she could play Fran Drescher's long lost kid on Living With Fran. Is that show still on? I knew they shouldn't have cancelled The Nanny, and now Mikalah Gordon's career is suffering for it.
Next, Ryan shows up un announced in various people's dressing rooms.
That's not as exciting as it sounds.
Ryan and Bo check in to Bo's home state of Alabama via satellite, where third season finalist, Latoya London, emcees. She's wearing a princess crown and a boa because they're treating her like southern "royalty." I don't remember her being this loopy on the show. Anyway, there's this whole convention going on. People are wearing sunglasses and holding signs in support of Bo. I think I've already mentioned how badly wearing sunglasses indoors when your name isn't Bono pisses me off, so I'll spare you that lecture. And Alabama? There are so many more things you can do with the name "Bo" than "Go Bo!" so you might want to work on those signs. I want to see creativity. I want to see pipe cleaners, glue sticks, glitter, and dictionaries put to good use. If you're going to do this, do it right.
Bo excuses himself from watching this rally in his honor, so that he can go sing "Vehicle." Again. Ryan begins planning his ambush on Carrie's room. This is going to be a long two hours. We go to the Carrie-Convention, where it is probably very boring. Carrie comments on a "Marry Me Carrie" sign with a giggle. Yes, out of touch, obsessive fans are hilarious, aren't they? Then she scurries off to sing her pimp song, "Angels Brought Me Here," or as I like to call it, "Angels, Puppies, and Kittens On Top Of the World Looking Down On Creation." She's all decked out in her farm girl chic, consisting of a flannel shirt and jeans. This show and its cliches. Why not just put her in overalls and a straw hat? We get it. Carrie Underwood lived on a farm. She sings the song and hits the so-called glory note. And its just not as impressive as everyone is saying. Everyone, being Randy, Paula, and Simon, when Ryan visits them in their dressing room. Randy says nothing of importance, unless you consider his pimp shoes to be important. In this case, he says quite alot. He also says he thinks Carrie is going to win. Ryan questions Paula about her relationship with Simon. Maybe this is the American Idol solution. Someone brilliant at 19 Entertainment, was all "Hey, lets take the heat off of this Paula/Corey Clark scandal, by talking up a Paula/Simon affair. Or a Paul Simon affair. Or a Paula affair with anyone but Corey freaking Clark." I would actually be happy to see those crazy kids together. But since its not going to happen, I'm getting rather tired of them discussing it. It's even less interesting than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and that is saying something.
We come back from the break greeted by another brilliant pimp-mercial (term coined at televisionwithoutpity.com) in which the finalists drive Ford cars and guzzle Coca- Cola all while singing inspirational songs. Only this time, its like the best (or worst) of the pimp-mercial, because they're showing clips from the entire season. They show clips of Carrie and Anthony with crazy ass hair, clips from the freakish animated pimpmercial, an odd clip of Scott licking his lips... and really, what is the point of that, American Idol pimp-mercial director? Is Scott Savol there for your sick amusement? Do you enjoy this? They sing a Gloria Estefan song and I'm beginning to think someone there owes a debt to Ms. Estefan because she is featured in more ways than I can count. The song, "Reach" is more "achieve your dreams," family friendly, Disney Channel drivel, but that is the cutest darn shot of Constantine Maroulis that I have ever seen, so I'm going to let it slide.
Simon is staring at the pimp-mercial in utter dismay, while Ryan touches his chest. Ryan, I know that being a metro-sexual doesn't mean that you are gay. But playing grab hands with Simon Cowell could. I want you to know that I love you, and I will accept you for who you are. Just remember that.
Simon asks if they are really on air. Like, he can't believe that Ryan is playing with his buttons on air, when he usually does it at the after party. Ryan convinces him that they are in fact on air, and they go back to Alamabama with crazy Latoya London. Simon suspects that she is drunk. Thats another possibility, Cowell. I hadn't thought of that. She's there with a little boy who asks why Simon uses reverse psychology on Bo. He talks like Karl from Slingblade. Niether side can hear the other, so it makes the entire conversation all the more hilarious and awkward. Hilariously awkward. They laugh nervously and Ryan leaves.
Did you know, American Idol is all about making dreams come true? I didn't either. I was just sitting there, minding my own business and it turns into the fucking Oprah show. First they bring out Leandrah Jackson to sing the National Anthem because she had absolutely butchered the song in her audition and those in charge of this show enjoy watching people making asses of themselves. Its very uncomfortable to see because like, you know everybody is laughing at her but you're not sure that she knows everyone is laughing at her. And thats painful. Next Ryan tells the story of Adam and Dirk, two friends who met at the American Idol auditions. Dirk sang a David Hasselhoff song, because David Hasselhoff is his hero and because he's not mentally stable. Adam auditioned with "This I Promise You" by Richard Marx but as performed by NSync. Thats exactly how he makes the introduction. I love this guy. I just want to give him a big hug. Maybe its just my immense love for nerds kicking in, or the fact that he introduces his song like he's giving a damn book report, but like, I want to put him in my pocket and take him home with me to sing old 90's songs and watch Nick at Nite, because that's just the kind of guy he probably is. But boyfriend cannot sing. The judges laugh rudely and he says "Thanks" and excuses himself. I hope you feel really freaking great about yourselves, judges. Anyway, Adam's dreams were crushed because he really wanted to go to Hollywood with Dirk. So, Ryan explains, they arranged for Adam and Dirk to come to the finale together. But thats not all, because Dirk will also be seated by, wait for it... David Hasselhoff. He's ecstatic. I would be really happy for him if it wasn't so creepy. I get that uncomfortable feeling again, like everyone is in on the joke except for poor Dirk. And Adam. I'm not sure about David Hasselhoff. But there the three of them sit, perfectly content. Dirk is happy to be seated next to his hairy idol. Adam is happy to be with Dirk. And David Hasselhoff is just grateful for the publicity, wondering if this will spark a sales increase for Sings America. It's beautiful, ya'll. This is what dreams are made of. Hey now, hey now.
When the Primetime Live Corey Clark interview aired, I never though American Idol would even address it on air. I would be wrong. It hit is audience over the head with a 10 minute parody of the expose. Mad TV, they are not. But it was kind of funny if you like dumb things. Or maybe if you were drunk of your ass. I bet Latoya London would enjoy it. It was called "Bad Judgement" and focused on Simon Cowell's alleged, secret, behind the scenes relationship. Only it wasn't a relationship with a contestant. So, realistically, that wouldn't be an issue. Unless there is some regulation that forbids having sex while you're part of a national talent search. It was a bit bizarre, but its the thought that counts. The thought being, laughing off what was a ridiculous waste of time to begin with. Primetime Live could have addressed all the accounts of voting fraud on American Idol, but they chose to talk about who Paula Abdul may or may not have slept with. They deserve any criticism they get, if only in the form of Randy Jackson singing a song called "Dawg-tics" and Constantine being adorable and donning a fake mustache to play a local Greek waiter. So, yeah. Be strong Paula. One love. Or something.
After nearly an hour and a half of filler, its time for the finalists to perform with their own "idols." Carrie performs "God Bless the Broken Road" with Rascal Flatts, or The Nasally Nasal Band. She does do a great job with this song, her voice is a bit nasal like always, but it works. Rascal Flatts guy starts to sing and Carrie claps and cheeses at the audience like its the greatest sound she's ever heard, even though its nasally. Its kind of sweet because she seems so happy to be performing with them. The song is so very pretty and makes more sense than "Inside Your Vagi--er Heaven." I don't know what happened to me but in this moment I genuinely liked Carrie. That damn song is hynotizing. Also, the guitar player is kind of hot, but he's always overshadowed by the guy with the scary warewolf hair.
Up next, its Anthony and Anwar performing "I Believe I Can Fly" with...Kenny G. Remember what I said about nothing being cheesier than the group medley? I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. Because this was. Anwar's hair is confusing me. One minute its all short and the next its the return of the dreads, and I realize that he just had them rolled up or something but I wish he would stop. Either you want to Bob Marley or you want to be Lenny Kravitz. Just stop it with the identity crisis. There are few things in this world that are reliable and I thought Anwar's hair was one of them. Clearly I was wrong.
Constantine, Nadia, and Jessica performed with Kenny Wayne Shepherd. I'm not even going to front, I didn't know who the hell Kenny Wayne Shepherd was. But I did a bit of Googling on his ass and found out that he's a very notable blues guitarist. They perform "Walk This Way" and its awesome. As Paula would say, "they had a great energy and had fun with the song. Oh, and Constantine's hair is rainbows and butterflies." While watching it I kept thinking how they would have made a great top 3. America should listen to me. I may be a bit partial, because I love Constantine and not just because he's pretty, but it was easily the best performance of the night. And I knew, in a few moments, Bo would sing "Sweet Home Alabama" with Lynyrd Skynyrd and all would be forgotten because, ya'll, its "Sweet Home Alabama" and people think its the greatest thing ever. But for a moment, everything was right with my world.
Jesus, I'm way too emotionally involved with this show.
Scott, Nikko, Vonzell, Mikalah, and Linsey also have performances, but I'm not going to tell you about them, because well, they're kind of boring. The exceed boring. I once watched a Vh1 special on the 50 Worst Songs and someone said that Deep Blue Something's "Breakfast At Tiffany's" was so boring that the music just faded into the furniture until you couldn't hear anything at all. I never understood quite what she meant by that until I heard these songs. It was just one big medley of Deep Blue Something. I can't even recap it.
Then there was Bo. Bo and Skynyrd. Like a southern fried peanut butter and jelly. It was everything I thought it would be. It was anthemic. It was loud. I can't even imagine what it must be like at Bo convention, because, like, when that many Alabama people gather together in one spot and listen to someone from Alabama sing "Sweet Home Alabama"... I don't know, it could probably tear a hole in the space time continuum. But it was genuinely good. And Bo is happy. And seeing Bo happy makes me smile with my heart. And then they all join him on stage to sing the last stanza and like, its really fucking awesome and wouldn't it be great if we could end it all right here? If we could just not have an American Idol? Just this once? Because this is a picture perfect ending, with emotion, and friendship, and comradery, and...a scary looking haggard old man with stringy hair, and oh, thats a member of Lynyrd Skynrd. Its beautiful once again and I may cry but the song ends. And Ryan tells me that after the break it's the moment that we've been waiting for and people wait a freaking lifetime for a moment like this.
Carrie Underwood is your new American Idol. There you have it. And now she's going to sing for you and of course it has to be the cootie song, filled with words I don't understand.

I want to be inside your heaven / Take me to the place you cry from

I'm confused. I thought there would be no more tears in heaven? Eric Clapton? A little help here?

Where the storm blows you away / I want to be the arms that hold you
/ Every bit of air you're breathing in/ You're soothing wind /
I want to be inside your heaven

I don't know if I can let you into my heaven, Carrie Underwood. But I do cry. I cry for several reasons. I cry because I wanted Constantine to make it farther, though deep down I know I would never want him to sing that song. I cry for Ryan Seacrest because I want him to be true to himself. I cry for Paula, for obvious reasons. I cry for Mikalah because I'm not sure if she'll ever fit in with this world. I cry for Jessica because no one remembers her. I cry for Bo because he's awesome. I cry for Scott because I think we were forced to hate him. I cry for Anthony because he loves you. I cry for Anwar's dreads. I cry for you because you're going to have to sing this damn song everywhere you go for the next 6 months. That is the place I cry from.
And one day, I'll take you there.
But for now, Seacrest out.

When Farmgirls Attack: American Idol Finale, Part 1

2005-05-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

American Idol. This show is intense. There's controversy, sex scandals, lies, betrayal, tears. Wait. Maybe I'm thinking of Cops.
But Ryan Seacrest is telling me its intense. So intense, that he has to have a single spotlight shine upon him as he announces that it is down to the effing wire, folks. Two contestants battle it out...tonight! Who will it be? In the name of all that is holy, tell me who it is going to be.
That's how intense this show is. Paula, you might want to have a drink.
The lights go up in the Kodak theater and I see Constantine looking all pretty with his flowy hair and I might have shrieked a little. Okay, I did. And either he brought Lenny Kravitz as his date or Anwar cut off his dreads.
Ryan explains that it is customary to flip a coin to decide which contestant goes first, which is really just an excuse for them to show a lame faked clip where Ryan tosses the coin and it falls down in a stage vent. Oh joy. Hilarity ensues. Or not. Carrie wins the Real Authentic Coint-Toss and chooses to perform second. While I do think that the whole idea of a cointoss is pointless, it does answer the question regarding what exactly is featured in their finalist picture. It's not condom. It is in fact a coin with their mugs stamped on it.
Bo takes the stage wearing what appears to be the exact same shirt as Constantine. Like they called each other before the show and coordinated their outfits. Or like, Constantine wanted to show solidarity with Bo, all "I'm here motherf**kers. And I'm wearing white for Bo. Kiss it, Underwood." While I'm having these semi homo-erotic thoughts concerning American Idol contestants, Bo gets halfway through with his song. The song is all kinds of boring, but, in terms of "American Idol Original Songs" its not so bad. At least this one doesn't talk of angels dancing on rainbows while a chorus of puppies and kittens skate on a pond made from ice cream. Not unlike the one Carrie will sing towards the end of this show.
First, however, she is going to sing a little ditty about a vagina, entitled "Inside Your Heaven." She wants to be inside your heaven. I'm not a perv, people. Just listen to the song. If Constantine had performed this while having his rabid eyesex with the camera, it would've been banned by the FCC. Carrie finishes her venture into sexual connotation and Anthony Federov comes out of his seat. A-Fed, baby, she's like 4 years older than you. I know you want to be her hot Ukrainian lover and get up in her heaven, but please, calm yourself.
Randy wasn't feeling the song, dawg. But like, he didn't like Bo's either. Yo, what's up with these songs tonight? Somewhere Tamyra Gray cries. Or whoever wrote these songs. Judging by the second one it was a disgruntled American Idol employee. Or Diane Warren.
Paula says that Carrie had some off notes but who the heck cares? Because, you know, its not a singing competition or anything. Simon gives the first round to Carrie.
So lets review: Bo is all up in his awesomeness, wearing John Lennon shades, some hippie-ass jeans, flip flops, and a shirt that may or may not have been chosen by Constantine. Singing a tolerable song.
Carrie: song about vagina.
I'm giving the first round to Bo, and nobody cares.
The next round is Contestants choice. Bo chooses to sing "Vehicle" by the Ides of March, the song he performed for the 70's Dance Theme. I don't know about Bo, but I can't dance to this song. But its still very Bo and cool, and I liked it.
Country Carrie performs "Independence Day" for, like, the twelfth time this season. Let me just say, I don't listen to much country anymore because its all about saving horses and riding cowboys and whatnot, and thats not music. Thats skeevy and gross. If its not that, its Gretchen Wilson, whom I also don't like. I'm not ashamed to say that I grew up listening to the Dixie Chicks. And I probably still would only you can no longer hear them on the radio because you can't be liberal in Nashville. You can shove a boot up someone's ass and ride a cowboy until you're blue in the face, but for the love of God, don't say anything negative about the president. Because that will offend someone. Skeevy songs that objectify women offend me, but no one asked. Gretchen Wilson wouldn't say anything like this because she's too busy kissing the collective ass of Nashville executives and, I don't know, Charlie Daniels. Thats why I don't like her. And thats why country music is kind of sucky. Among other reasons. I do however like "Independence Day." I just don't like Carrie Underwood's version. First of all, I've heard the song a million times. Its not something I particularly want to hear on American Idol unless you can bring something new to the performance. She does not. She's a cure for insomnia.
Randy thinks she brought it home or some shit. You know what? Forget the judges. They are mere pawns on this godforsaken show. Pawns I tell you!
I give this round to Bo. Whoot!
In round three, Bo gets to sing the Dirty!Song written by the disgruntled FOX employee. I have to hand it to Bo for making the cheesy songs bearable. I would much rather hear Constantine telling me he wanted to um, never mind, the point is these are songs that would cater to specialists in cheese like Anthony or Anwar and he really puts an almost cool vibe on it.
Farmer-wood takes the stage again. Sit down A-Fed. Remember the puppies and rainbows song? This is it. Its called "Angels Brought Me Here" and its total crap. A-Fed will love it. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of those people that have an appreciation for Precious Moments figurines. I like sweet, cute things as much as the next person. But this? Doesn't transcend into music. Writing a song about angels, and moments like this, and believing in yourself doesn't garauntee this moving, earth shaking, life changing song. It just doesn't. It is a song of cliches. A song of lies. Lies, Underwood. Thats not to say that I don't believe in angels or life changing moments, but listening to your song doesn't give me that extra push I need to succeed. And? I can tell what the next lyric is going to be before you even sing it. Now stop blubbering and hit your glory note so the judges can pimp you properly.
Simon says he thinks she did enough to win the competition. Somewhere in the audience Bo's crazy Alabama grandma grabs her rifle. I love Bo's crazy Alabama grandma. And Cowell? WTF? Seriously. What was so spectacular about that performance? Her glory note? Yes she held it for a long time. That doesn't necessarily mean it sounded good. Stop toying with us.
In closing Ryan shows us a montage which should sum up the Idol season. I think they're fans of the montage on this show. The clip features "Keeping the Dream Alive" which is right up there with Enya's "Only Time" in terms of songs that you bust out for Really!Special!Moments!
Ryan tells us to tune in for the finale and that Rascall Flatts would be there to perform as would Lynyrd Skynrd. I'm just going to play a little game of mix and match and guess that Bo is performing with Skynyrd. And singing "Sweet Home Alabama?" Fantastic. What do I win? Hopefully, my dignity and one hour of my life back.
Seacrest out.

Dear Marissa Cooper, I Don't Think I Hate You Anymore

2005-05-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

"I know, Misch. No one is more surprised than me. Hey, lets talk. Have a seat. Your boyfriend, Brandon Davis, can come too if he'd like. Just let me put some plastic down so he doesn't get his greasiness on the sofa.
I was all prepared to despise you indefinitely. It was so easy at first. And then somewhere midseason...things changed. First of all, you weren't wearing those hideous newsboy caps anymore. Well, not as much. And if you did, at least you didn't pair them with kulats and yellow flats. No longer were you taking hard liquor with you to school in a Starbucks cup in an all too obvious ploy for attention. No longer were you screaming like a banshee, throwing perfectly good patio furniture into your pool. No longer were you a walking primetime teen-drama cliche. Well you are , but you're a better cliche now.
No, somewhere along the way, you began to think about someone other than yourself. You actually tried to help Trey, even though he was skeevy. He's still Ryan's brother. You tried so hard. You held an auction to raise money for him. You tried to befriend him while Ryan was away. And not in the way I thought you were going to befriend him. Because, through it all, you really love Ryan. He was your first love and your one and only. All of a sudden, rather than wanting to assault you with your Marc Jacobs flats, I began to find you strangely...endearing. Then Trey assaults you (sexually, not with flats.) And in the situation when you should have put yourself first, you go and put yourself last. In all seriousness, you should have told someone because Trey is crazy, yo. And thats serious. But this is The O.C., where salvaging your fickle, melodramatic relationship takes top priority and you didn't want to hurt Ryan. Finally, you break down and tell Summer about what happened, and dammit Barton, if I didn't go and get all teary-eyed with you. I've been emotional these days, Mischa. Maybe its because I'm graduating this weekend. I get a little emotional watching that Coke commercial where the boy gives his dad the very last Coke, cause, you know, he remembers how he taught him how to drive and stuff. And that Oprah where the woman is inspired to lose weight by seeing another woman's story on the show? And then they meet for the first time and hug and the lady tells the other how much she means to her? I was a wreck. But seriously. That scene hit me hard.
So Ryan finds out about what happened and goes to find Trey. Only, you know, for all the fighting Ryan does, he still kind of sucks at it. So you walk in to find Trey choking his brother and about to beat his ass with a telephone. You pleaded with him to stop but he wouldn't. So you shoot him. I have to say, between you and your mother, I always thought she would be the first to shoot someone. I guess you have a little more Julie Cooper in you than I thought. And that? Is awesome. Big hug, Misch. Big fucking Oprah hug."

File Under Ew, Gross

2005-05-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

Let me just start of by saying that I love Paula Abdul. I really do. She's batshit crazy and reminds me of my 9th grade Home Economics teacher. I have no idea why she's on this show because she's primarily a dancer/choreographer and if having a number one dance hit in 1989 is means for getting yourself a judging gig then where the hell is Tiffany? But whatever. I can't help rooting for her and wondering what two seemingly unrelated fabrics she'll stitch together and wear next week. I find her oddly intriguing. She's kind of cheesy and fun and I love her in the same way I love that Starbucks commercial with Michael Buble.
But watching the Primetime Live Special, "Fallen Idol" was a little sick, sad, and certainly not worth the disturbing images I now have in my head. It was like a twisted version of The Graduate, only at the end Mrs. Robinson goes to the clinic to get a swift shot of penicillin. I'm really struggling to understand exactly what sort of appeal Corey Clark could hold for a woman. Maybe you could find him attractive in a John Bender kind of way. He's a skeeve who tries to defile the perfection that is Molly Ringwald, but by the end your like, wow, he really loves Claire! And so you have no choice but to love him. But then Bender never made allegations that he had boned Claire on the wake of his record release and book deal so I suppose the comparisons end at their diamond stud earrings. But Anthony Federov is the new Anthony Michael Hall, and yes I watched The Breakfast Club this week.
You see kids, in the world of reality television there are two kinds of people: good famewhores and bad famewhores. It's all in how you handle it.
Corey Clark is a bad famewhore.
He is also the atypical "Yeah, I hit that" guy. The kind who go on Howard Stern to discuss how great the sex was, which, if I might add, is really charming. I was just saying the other day how I hope I'll find a lover who, after a passionate tryst, decides to discuss my breasts on national television. And this is pure speculation but its a safe bet that he's used the phrase "off the hizzle" at some point in his life.
So thats basically Corey Clark in a nutshell. The man, the mystery, the skeeze.
I admit that I'm going into this expose with a bit of a bias against Clark, but only because he embodies every quality I loathe in a man.
The special begins with the host, who looks to be across between David Guest and Kim Jong Il, introducing us to The Skeeze via American Idol video clips so that I can be reminded that I also hated him in the finals because he chose too sing "Drift Away" when that song just. wouldn't. die. Among other reasons. The David Guest/ Il love love child tells us that Clark's dream to be the American Idol was all in vain because things turned sour. If this were an episode of Behind the Music the voiceover guy would already be saying "but then it all came crashing down." And I've seen enough Behind the Music to know that if you get to the "crashing down" part within the first minute of your show, then your life is just sad. Because you skipped the groupies and the blowjobs and went straight to Slash's overdose in 60 seconds. I know this can only get worse.
And I'm right.
Skeeze tells David Jong that he was booted from American Idol because he failed to tell the producers about the charges that he had against him for beating up his sister. Of all of the reasons to get kicked off American Idol that has to take the cake. Everyone has a past. Drug problems, nude photos, Elimidate episodes, but how big of an ass do you have to be to beat up your sister? The Skeeze tells us that they were false charges and since he's the new effing voice of truth we're expected to believe him.
According the The Skeeze, Paula Abdul coached him on what to wear and what to sing. Cut to him wearing a mesh shirt and a polka dot bandana. And yes, that was after the transformation, because asking Paula Abdul for fashion advice is like asking Elizabeth Taylor for relationship advice. She also instructed him to sing "Foolish Heart" by Journey because Randy Jackson worked with Journey and he's sure to love it. Paula discloses this valuable information that anyone with Google Search or a vast knowledge of Journey songs could discover, for the sole purpose of getting a piece of that. I can relate because I love a dude in manpris and mesh.
At this point I begin to feel really bad for David Jong because its must be difficult to have a coherent discussion with Corey Clark, especially regarding sex. "You said, you got 'up in that.' Can you elaborate?" I mean, it just doesn't work. The Skeeze says Paula starts text messaging him all of the time because he's all that and a bag of chips with a 'fro on top. I paraphrase. Skeezie's friends don't believe that he's hitting that until he brings her to the club and she's all up on his grill, you know what he's sayin'? And here is where it gets really beautiful. He tells us that during the Wednsday night group performance of "I've Had Time of My Life," he's actually singing it to Paula, because his love is like whoah. Now, I like me some Dirty Dancing but thats a lame ass way of showing someone your eternal love and gratitude. And why wasn't anyone dancing with Simon in that clip? This isn't right. Randy gets his hos and Paula gets her eye candy and Simon just sits there all pissed because no one ever dances with him. I would dance with Simon but that's another story entirely.
On top of all that, we have to hear Skeezie's song which chronicles his torrid affair. The song by the way, is ass. Not surprisingly. It's called "Paulatics" which is just too gay for words. It just makes me sad that people like this have record deals while there are perfectly talented people out there who don't. This is the day the music died. With each electro-techno "straight up" in The Skeeze's horrendous song the music industry dies a little more. And one day someone will have to feel the sting of that harsh reality. Think of your grandkids.
So anyway, the song blows. But he had sex with Paula Abdul. Allegedly. So thats grounds for them to play it ad naseum throughout the expose.
Next David Jong talks to Skeezie's fellow season two American Idol contestants --all of the contestants that didn't make the finals because they didn't call upon the power of Journey or woo Paula Abdul with "Kiss From A Rose." And really, if this is all it takes to make it onto American Idol then I've got it in the bag because I do a kickass version of "Open Arms." One of the girls tells David Jong that she's not surprised by Skeezie's allegations and I'm thinking "there you go Davie!" There's your lead! What does she know?! But he goes on to ask her about the hardships of being an American Idol reject, because he's just sad that this groundbreaking news special is the result of his hard earned journalism degree.
David Jong asks Skeevie about what he would say to his fellow contestants and didn't he think it was wrong? He doesn't know what to tell them, you know what he's sayin? And yes, they knew it was wrong, that's why they kept it a secret, you know what he's sayin? At this point, David Jong grabs Skeezie by the throat in a rage blackout screaming, yes jackass! For the love of God, we know what you're saying! Oh sorry, thats just what I would have done.
During the final ten minutes David Jong makes a last ditch effort to make this an emotional and hearfelt story about one lost young man. He gives Skeezie's mom a copy of his song and she reads it aloud all emotional like. Momma Skeeze is pissed. Corey really loved Paula and she broke his heart! Because bad R&B songs about kinky sex never lie. And if you take anything away from this report, let it be that.
Tune in next week, David Jong tells us, for a 20/20 special on bottled water. Bottled water. And I bury my face in my hands and silently weep for David Jong, who's actual name is John Quinones.

American Midol

2005-05-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

For me, watching American Idol without Constantine Maroulis is like watching The X-Files after Fox Mulder left. What is the point, you know? They try to make us forget about him by introducing Agent John Dogget but it just. doesn't. work. Because he's not Fox Mulder. And thats the way it is. So you wind up hating Dogget. Taking out all of your frustrations on him even though, you know, its not his fault that Mulder is missing or whatever and he couldn't help it if David Duchovny was a greedy ass and wanted out of his contract. He was just looking for a gig, guys. He's gotta pay the bills. Its a hard knock life for B-list, Terminator 2 stars.
Anthony Federov is my Robert Patrick.
And Scott Savol? Oh Scott Savol is Mimi Rogers as agent Diana Fowley circa sixth season.
Translation: Jesus, this show sucks. Why am I still watching it? On the other hand, American Midol is a fun pun.

So tonights first theme is "songs written by Lieber and Stoller." And on that note, where the hell do they get these themes? I want them to have a designated theme guy. And one week, just to mess with them, he should be like,
"Okay, your next theme will be hits by Canadian rapper, Snow. And I know you're all planning on doing "The Informer," but Carrie Underwood already called that one. So the rest of you bitches are screwed. Seacrest out."
Anyway, yeah obscurity. But they did write a lot of songs. Like, um "Stand By Me."And well, "Stand By Me." And then a bunch of stuff I've never heard of.
So Anthony Federov introduces his first song by saying that he's really just a big goofball so he picked this song because its fun. Only, you know, he has to tell us he's a big goofball because he basically has no personality that would indicate this. But okay A-Fed, baby. Whatever you say. I trust you. So the song he chooses to get his dork on is "Poison Ivy." And I'm not sure if he's having fun or not. When he's having fun does he dance like a constipated Clay Aiken? I wasn't at his prom so I don't know. But I bet he can throwdown on the dance floor. His vocals were kind of bland and Simon called him amateur. And since Simon is the only one who can speak coherently ( steak/hamburger analogies not withstanding) we're going to go with that.
Scott Savol sings "On Broadway," one of the few songs I do know. Too bad Scott has to go and molest it with his Scottiness. He introduces the song by saying that he chose it because of Simon's comment last week to "pack his bags," and ya'll this song will show these bitches that I ain't goin home. And if it doesn't, I'll beat the daylights out of them with my phone, yo. Wait up, did I say that out loud?
He spends the latter half of the song all up in Simon's grill shouting the lyrics that he believes were written for him and him alone, They say that I won't last too long on Broadway (on Broadway) I'll catch a Greyhound bus for home, they all say (on Broadway). Simon just sits there chuckling. And I never know what Simon chuckling means. He always does it in a knowing, "these fools!" way. So in this case it either means, "Dumbass. You're not going to win this thing. Your just, not." or "Okay, you got me with this one." At any rate, the judges rave about his cleverness despite the fact that his vocals blew because this is only an actual "singing" competition when they see fit and we will believe what they tell us because we are a herd of mindless sheep.
I thought it blew, but then, I'm extremely biased.
Vonzell Solomon: I mean, its Vonzell. You can't not like Vonzell. It as if she lives in her own world made up of only puppies and rainbows. Plus, girlfriend can sing.
She'll probably be eliminated.
Bo Bice chose to do "Stand By Me." Ahoy! A song I know! But I mean, who doesn't? I do, however, know the version from The Lion King better. So when someone actually sings "Oh Darling, darling" rather than "Oh Pumba, Pumba," it throws me, ya'll. So I didn't really focus. Yawn. Did I mention that I miss Constantine?
Last of all, Carrie Underwood, tells us that she's evil. No really. She's evil. If you don't believe her she'll keep telling you until you do. The vocals are fine, but its just so predictably Carrie trying to be edgier Carrie. If you're going to sing about being evil, Carrie, make me believe it. Look evil. Do something evil. Steal Vonzell's "Friends Forever Care Bear." No, not Vonzell. Steal Scott's leg of lamb. Its under his bed.

Well that was fun.

Oh wait. Not so fast.

There's still another half left! Wheee!

What will the theme be? Praytell, oh Seacrest. Praytell.

Seacrest tells us that we're going modern (Top 40 Billboard.) This should be fun.

Or not.

A-Fed sings a Backstreet Boys song. Because Backstreet's back, alright? He really has the oddest song choices. ever. And not odd in a unique, fun, artsy-fartsy way. Odd in a what the hell? way. I didn't realize what song it was until he squawked out "Incomplete." I spent the rest of the song laughing my ass off. Randy tells him it wasn't as good as Backstreet. So take what you will from that.
Scott is back and more faux ghetto than ever. Seriously. First line of his song? I don't give a damn what my homies say. I'm not kidding. By the time I was through guffawing the song was over. I know I've heard the song, as in it came on 101.9 Kiss FM once and I changed the station because it was pretty much the lamest song ever. He tells the judges that he did the song for Simon, which is probably the least intentional homoerotic statement ever made on American Idol.
And if it was intentional, Simon still isn't feeling the song or Scott. In that way. Scott just stands there looking all mad and jowly. Maybe they're worried that if Scott doesn't win this thing, he will cut somebody. Just a theory.
Vonzell begins by telling what she likes most about American Idol. Dressing up like a pretty, pretty princess. Screw this singing bit. But, like I said, puppies and rainbows. She sings "When You Tell Me That You Love Me." Which is all fine and good except isn't that what they sang for their group song two weeks ago? First of all, is that allowed? Second of all, it makes me think of Constantine. And so I'm sad.
Bo Bice decided that we haven't heard the song "Heaven" by the Los Lonely Boys enough. So he's singing it. I've never been a Bo-hater, but gah. Hate the song.
Carrie Underwood is introducing the new line of skirts by Grandma Clampett. Seriously. What the hell? Who dresses this kid? And why did they choose to pair it with what appears to be half of a tankini? I'd ask but they'd probably tell me that it was a gift from her great Aunt Edna from the farm. And then I'd be expected to bow and pay homage to the skirt because isn't Carrie so sweet and the all around great American girl?
Her singing, though? was beautiful. I'd give her five stars but I'd have to take three away for the skirt.

Ryan urges, vote ye plebeians! Remember the Constantine!

aaand...Seacrest out.

And Thou Shall Be Called "TomKat"

2005-05-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are engaged. And with child. I bet you knew that already.
I didn't. Shrug.
And in the category of the most dumbass thing ever thought up: tearing a page from the book of Bennifer, the assigned nickname for new celebrity couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is...TomKat. I'm not making this shit up.
And may all members of the media take heed...thou shalt use said nickname from here onward. At every possible opportunity. Write it in blood. TomKat. Pay homage to the nickname. Bow to the nickname. Pray to the nickname. Name thee first born after the nickname. And if an opportunity to use the nickname shall come and you fail to do so, may God have mercy on your souls.

More Entertaining Than People, Less Credibility Than Us Weekly: FPB Entertainment News

2005-04-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

America's Most Wanted: American Idol is so controversial, kids.
It was recently reported that fan favorite, Bo Bice, was charged with marijuana posession in June 2001. Just weeks ago it was reported that top 5 finalist, Scott Savol, was charged with domestic violence. Second season Idol reject (and I do mean reject, freeeaky), Corey Clark, voiced allegations that he had an affair with judge, Paula Abdul. What's next? Anthony Federov armed robbery? Ryan Seacrest sex tape? This is getting crazy. Thankfully ABC's "Primetime Live" has their priorities straight with their hour long, in-depth, look behind the scenes of the hit series. Because, you know, that's definitely the most important thing they could report on. Thanks guys. Now we can finally get to the bottom of this blasted American Idol scandal. Jesus H.
Somebody tape it for me.
Go Age Differences! Yay! "When me and my girlfriends rented Top Gun for my sixth grade sleepover, I knew..." Tom Cruise (44) and Katie Holmes (26) are officially an item. Damn, with all this Tom Cruise on Katie Holme's lovin' and the upcoming wedding of Mary Kay Laterneau and Vili Fuallawhatzitzz, age differences are having the best week ever! Sigh.
Britney On Radiohead: I only like their old stuff, ya'll! http://ultragrrrl.blogspot.com/2005/04/stolen-from-trents-blog-britney-likes.html Might I suggest Ok Computer? "Karma Police" is by far their best, Brit.

Tribute to Tim Matheson: Hero of the B-Movie

2005-04-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

Tim Matheson is the king of B- movies. With the exception of Animal House, all of his roles in major motion pictures have been minor. And thats only if you want to count getting billed below Rachel Leigh Cook and Freddie Prinze Jr. in She's All That and playing some dude in Drop Dead Fred as 'roles.'
A lesser man would have hung it up right there. But not Tim Matheson. He just kept doing what he did best: The T.V. movie.
Matheson specializes in Lifetime movies which either means a) he has no shame or b) his love of acting is so powerful that he'll simply take what he can get.
We're opting for the latter because Matheson sure as hell can turn out a good performance even when given a craptastic script. Among his Lifetime Movie resume, Little White Lies, A Kiss To Die For, The Woman Who Sinned, Dying To Love You, and my personal favorite, Christmas In My Hometown.
He made his directorial debut in 1997's Buried Alive 2 ( starring Ally Sheedy) the sequel to 1990's Buried Alive in which he starred. Its quite possibly the silliest movie I've ever seen. After The Pest.
It's true that Tim Matheson has made some questionable choices throughout his career, ahem, A Very Unlucky Leprachaun, A Very Brady Sequel, etc. However, he more than redeems himself with Stephen King's Sometimes They Come Back.
I love this movie. I do. I love everything about it. It scared the bejesus out of me as a kid. And that is why I'm presenting him with the Eric Robert's Lifetime Achievment Award.
Thank you, Tim Matheson. Thank you for always having the vision. For always putting your all into a role whether playing a cheating husband, abusive husband, supportive husband, or a dude getting buried alive.
We at FPB salute you, Tim Matheson. We salute you.

20 Most Annoying Celebrities: Part 2

2005-04-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

10)Britney Spears
Dear Britney and Kevin,
Congratulations on the baby! Ya'll are an inspiration to me and my boyfriend. Ya'll are so in love! It. is. so. beautiful. We rented 'You Got Served' from the Blockbuster last week. OMG! Kevin is sooo hawt!! I tried to get Jim to dance with me like that but he told me to get my fat ass back in the kitchen and finish cooking the mac and cheese. He's not as understanding as Kevin.Don't worry about those "false tabloids." We saw the picture of you walking around that gas station without your shoes. Whats wrong with that?! I send the kids up to the 7-11 to get my Virginia Slims all the time without shoes. Ya'll hang in there!Write back!
P.S. Don't feel bad about Justin. Me and mama think he's a homosexual.
P.P.S. Your music makes the baby Jesus cry.

Love,
Mary-Ann (from the trailer park)

9) Janice Dickinson
Janice Dickinson wouldn't care if she was on this list. She would simply call me a fat bitch and pretentiously remind us that she was the world's first Supermodel and once did the dirty with Mick Jagger. Someone should tell Janice that if she has to remind us, its no longer cool. Thats why Janice Dickinson is our ninth most annoying celebrity. That, and the skank ho poured beer in our weaves.

8) David Caruso, CSI Miami
Dear David,

I was wanting to tell you that when I watch CSI: Miami, I can never figure out why those people were lying on the ground with a pool of blood around them. At first I think maybe they just slipped in a random pool of blood, but then you and your wisdom tell us that they were murdered. And I'm like OMG how do you do it, and it's not like it's painfully obvious either, and I especially like it when you do that little stance with your hands on your hips and do the sunglasses thing. It's even better when you tell us it's murder while you do the sunglasses thing!

Love,
Crazed Fan

7) Bradford Howe, host of Vh1's Top 20 Countdown

Dear Bradford,

Though we find you pothead mannerisms engaging, it would be greatly appreciated if you wouldn't take 3 hours to introduce the damn videos.

Love,
The Plastics

P.S. You have the personality of a bagel.

6) Anna Nicole Smith

Dear Anna Nicole,

We at FPB just love your work for the TrimSpa commercials. Like, okay, when you say "want my body?" Its like you mean, ya know, do you want to sleep with me? But you really mean, do you want to look like me? Thats. so. clever. Its like, a double entendre. Uh...a double entendre..its like when...never mind. You are absolutely right Anna. We do want to look exactly like you. We want to be exactly like you. We too, want a fake n' bake orange tan and talk like we're strung out on coke. TrimSpa, you say? Sign us up.
Where was that number again?

5) Tara Reid
Partying With Tara: Act 1, Scene 1
"Whoot! T-Reid is in the house! Lets get this party started! Who wants to see my boobs?Wha? Yeah, I know you've seen them before. So? Shutup, Ashton. The Kaballah does not forbid exposed breasts. You're lying! Here, how about I just unclasp this strap.
Scene 1, Act 2
Lalalala. My boob is hanging out. Lalalala. *poses for photo*
Scene 1, Act 3
Whoah. How did that happen!? I'm so embarassed.
*Laughs*
Oh well. My boobs are great aren't they? I thought so. And your better people for having seen them.
End scene.

4) Paris Hilton
I had several reasons why Paris Hilton should be on this list. But none of them are important.
She guest starred on The O.C.
She dumped Adam Levine to date a rich socialite named Paris.
A man. named. Paris.
I hate her.
The end.

3) Avril Lavigne

Dear Avril,

You are as edgy as Clay Aiken fan fiction.

Here to help,
Bobbie

2) Mischa Barton
Mischa Barton is the only actress who attempts to convey all her character's emotions by using only two facial expressions, both of which look like she's experiencing an uncomfortable bowel movement. Her character, Marissa Cooper, doesn't help things. I mean, she has Julie Cooper for a mother. That's awesome. Julie Cooper can teach you very valuable life lessons, such as, how to handle the surfacing of your porn scandal and how to marry the most powerul man in your community. How does she repay her? By assaulting patio furniture, thats how.Her suckiness even transcends from television shows to television commercials. She's the most annoying spokesperson. Ever. And I'm including the Country Wide Home Loans girl in this. Gah. The Neutrogena commercials. I can barely speak of them. Everyday I have "Would you like a genital scrub?" ringing in my ears. Why no Mischa, but a gentle scrub would be nice. Thanks.
Annunciate, Mischa. Annunciate.

1) Star Jones
Star Jones (on red carpet) : "Hey baby! You're looking bling- bling tonight!"
random celebrity: Thanks, Star. You look very nice yourself.
Star Jones: "Well you know, I'm just trying to bring it because I heard you would be here, baby!"
random celebrity:looks uncomfortable Uuhh, thats what you said to Ush-
Star Jones: "So whats up, baby?"
random celebrity: *looks relieved* Well, I'm glad you asked, Star. I actually have a new film coming out produced by Jerry Bruck--
Star Jones (under breath): "Ask me about my ring. Ask me about my ring!"
random celebrity: *looking uncomfortable again* Uhh...wow...Star...thats a beautiful ring.
Star Jones (under breath): "I said ask!"
random celebrity: *looks around nervously* So...Star...How is married life?
Star Jones: *hits celebrity 'playfully' on shoulder* "You know me and Al don't like to discuss that! But its going great. I actually had his genitalia removed last week. I like to keep it in a jar. Closer to my heart, you know what I'm saying?"
random celebrity: *flinching and massaging shoulder, still looking uncomfortable* Right...well, as I was saying, the film is--
Star Jones: "Hey! Jamie Foxx! Is that my boy Jamie Foxx!?"
random celebrity: *looks baffled*
Star Jones (to camera) : Alright stay tuned because when we return to the Golden Globe Red Carpet Special we're going to talk to the man of the hour, my man Jamie Foxx!"
random celebrity: What the--*pulled away by security*

Honorable Mention:
Summerland star, Jesse McCartney
Donald Trump
Joan and Melissa Rivers

American Asshats: American Idol Update

2005-04-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Attention all American Idol voters:
Another week and the marshmallowed one is still standing. You really let me down, America.
Listen, Scott Savol looks like he could break somebody. And probably has. He also has an ever present puffiness that of which makes him look like the Michelin Man. This is not a good quality to have in your American Idol. I'm a little worried about the safety of the rest of the contestants. I see him eyeing little Anthony Federov, no doubt contemplating homicide. I'm just saying.
Its not my fault, I was busily dialing for Constantine Maroulis, who doesn't appear to be any more threatening than Federov. I bet if he has a problem with someone, he dances it out. Jets and Sharks style. He's just so damn dreamy.

But seriously. Lets make sure Scott goes home next week. K? For the love of Seacrest.

-Bob

20 Most Annoying Celebs: Part 1

2005-04-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

20) Cameron Diaz
"Hey! Its Cam. Whats up? Me and Justin just got through watching me on Vh1's One Hundred Sexiest Sexy-Sexy Stars for like, the millionth time! He just loves to watch me! He makes me shutup during the Britney part, though, and mutters something about throwing her life away and grease-bag. I don't know what he means. Knowing what people mean is hard. Oh well. He thinks I'm hot. Isn't it cute when I burp and fart? Everybody thinks so! Its not adorable when you do it because, welp, your not me! Tee- hee! Lata Dayz!"

19) Hilary Duff
Dear Hilary,
Part of me wants to go easy on you because, well, you're Lizzie. And I loved Lizzie. I'm not even going to front. In Junior High, I was Lizzie Mcguire's bitch. Looking back, I'm not sure why I liked it. I didn't relate to it in anyway. For starters, you didn't have acne and your hair wasn't cut in a horrific bob. You always had the perfect clothes and you always fixed your hair so cute with those little clippies like I could never seem to do, given the horrific bob.
You know what? Screw this. I just watched for Gordo.
But I don't think you are a bad actress. Not a particularly good actress, just not bad. When people put you down, I would take up for you. You seemed nice enough.
Next thing I know, you're scrapping with Lohan over Aaron Carter. Aaron. Carter. The poor woman's Nick. How does Aaron Carter even get two chicks? Woo you with "Aaron's Party" lyrics?
Then, somewhere along the way, some misguided soul told you that you could sing. Probably Aaron. And he was probably expecting something in return if you know what I mean. I'm just saying. How do I say this delicately, so as not to hurt your feelings? Please don't sing. When you sing, you sound like a pre-pubescent Pat O'Brien. Only more nasal. You're a cute girl, the kids love your movies. The next time someone hands you a new song, 80's cover, whatever it may be, just smile and politely decline. Then send them on to Lohan. Because she doesn't know she sucks. It'll be our little secret. K?
Say hi to Gordo for me.
- Bob

18) Pat O'Brien
When Pat O'Brien's sexually harassing voice mail leaked out, I had a theory that it was Jimmy Fallon doing his prize O'Brien impression as a prank.
We couldn't be so lucky. No one should ever have to think about a mustached, creepy voiced, middle-aged-man-posing-as-20-something-hipster, quoting from Worst Pickup Lines of the Century. Yet we now do.
On the upside, for a fun game, follow all of your questions with "if you agree with this, just look and me and say yes."
http://www.stuckinrehabwithpatobrien.blogspot.com/

17) Bill O'Rielly
We really don't have anything against Irish men. Really. We're down with Conan O'Brien, Liam Neeson...uh, Peter O'Toole. So its a mere coincidence that O'Rielly follows O'Brien on this list. But fact is, he earned his place. Bill O'Rielly is the douchiest name in news.
The only thing we hate worse than self indulging actors and actresses with recording contracts, are men who think they can get anything and anyone they want because they're in a so called place of power. So naturally learning about his tormenting a female colleague with sexually harassing remarks, we were sent into a seething rage and given further incentive to turn to The Daily Show and Matt Drudge for our news.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1013043mackris1.html

16) Carson Daly
Carson Daly could be on this list solely for introducing the scream-fest that is TRL, which made it acceptable to claim "music video countdown" status, while showing a full (count em') 30 seconds of the video. WTF? What is even the point of voting? I ask you Carson, what is the point?
Daly, however, makes it on the list by his own merit. He is, as Seth Cohen has said, a "ginormous tool." Couldn't have said it better myself.

15) Damien Fehey
Okay, MTV VJ's aren't our favorite people in the world. (Except for you Gideon, you sexy nerd.)

After Carson Daly left TRL to become a professional hipster, his shoes were filled by the equally twerpy Damien Fehey. I feel kind of bad about this, because I don't know much about Damien. But what I do know is that last year they announced that they were approaching Johnny Depp to be a guest on TRL. On that same day Fehey made a backhanded remark about *Depp's old band,"P." Stating that they "Weren't that good. You don't need to know about them." Never mind that "P" is probably the worst name for a rock band ever, with the exception of Hoobastank. Its a pretty snarky comment from someone who makes his living kissing Ashlee Simpson's ass.
Johnny Depp never made it to TRL. Thanks, Fehey.

*Johnny Depp is exempt from the list of actors who shouldn't be musicians. He is actually a very talented guitarist and once filled in on an Oasis album.

14) 50 Cent
Dear 50,

We know you've been shot 9 times. We admire and commend your persistance. That said, what the hell is up with "Candy Shop?" Wrecks and Effex called and they want their material back.
Oh, and we never would have guessed that "lollipop" was a euphemism for your penis! Thanks for letting us know!
Love,
The Plastics

13) Kelly Ripa
We're not saying Kelly Ripa isn't cute. We're not saying its even her fault that she's freaking annoying. We actually have a theory that they hire women to play the dumb blonde across from Regis. She is to sit in her chair and make batty statements and gape at him in a confused manner as he attempts to say something remotely intelligent. We're not sure if they show up like this or if they're given a frontal lobotomy somewhere along the way, but suspect that Gellman is behind it. Its a stretch, but as far as Kathie Lee's career, we needed something to believe in.
However, nothing excuses Ripa's obnoxious role on Hope & Faith, in which she engages in "hilarious" hijinks, all the while flailing around looking "adorably" helpless. We like to call this phenomenon "the Sandra Bullock effect." Only Ripa is no Sandra. We hope she returns to soap operas soon. We hear Passions has a spot open.

12) Katie Couric
I don't know how anyone can stand Katie Couric in the morning. She has this annoying faux-sympathy she uses in the wake of tragedy while asking dumbass questions. "Has this been hard for you?"
"No, you perky wench. Its been really great. I really came on your show to discuss how sun- shiny I'm feeling about the whole thing. That, and I thought there was a free makeover? Its truly a beautiful world."
Crimany.

11) Justin Timberlake
"Sup bitches! Man ya'll! Last year was hot! First, I dated Alyssa Milano. Which was sick (sick in a good way, whities) because I used to watch that ass on "Who's The Boss?" and she was my favorite, after Danny Pintauro. I mean--no she was my favorite character. Really, it was her. Forget that about Danny. I'm trippin, ya'll.
But it didn't work out. Ya'll know how it is.
So, I got busy with Janet! Thats just how ya playa J-Tim is. He gets done with one and the next one rollz right in. You might remember a certain Superbowl? Ya'll got to see some boobie! That was all me! You gotta give me mad props for that!
After all dat, you would think I was done. But naw, then I got with Cameron. She's mad sexy. I do wish she wouldn't belch so much. But its all good.
Man, its sad about my boys J.C, Lance, and...heh. Bump this. I told them panty waste fame whores they could keep N*Stink! Haaa! Your boy Justin is on to bigger thangs! Feel me? I'm makin videos with Snoop! And it is the shizzle, dizzles! (Heh. Snoop told me not to say that anymore or he would have his posse kick my scrawny white boy ass! He's the bomb diggity.)
Lata Playaz!"

Entertainment Update:Who The Hell Cares Edition

2005-04-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Anna Nicole Smith is now a journalist. Just when I thought it was a respectable profession.
That is, only if you consider a writer for The National Enquirer a journalist. I hope you don't. Because then you would be stupid. Not unlike Anna Nicole Smith.
But wait, how well do I really know Anna? Why, not at all. She could be a rocket scientist for all I know, out curing cancer and acing Mensas in her spare time. And thats exactly what she wants to prove through her weekly column in the gossip mag.

"I could talk to my fans and those people who think I'm just a dumb blonde. I started to like the idea. But, me, with my own column? Nobody would believe I could do it. Everybody knows I'm not a writer. I can't even spell. But so what? I can talk. Someone else can type the words. And, after all, my husband always said I was the most street-smart person he ever met. "

Riiight.

Well, lets giver her a chance, shall we? In her first article she makes several brilliant observations such as "Go Ashton! Go Demi! Go age difference!" and "Pat O'Brien: I feel for you. Rehab sucks."

But let us not forget that Anna is a serious behind the scenes reporter. She left us with this scandolous info:

"Ssshh... I can't say who. Well, not yet. But I heard a certain Hollywood actress is sneaking off behind her boyfriend's back to play with her producer in his private suite in a Beverly Hills hotel. You'd better watch out, guys ... I saw you in the elevator together and if I spotted you, the bellboy may have seen you too! "

Oh please, dear God, no. Not the bellboy. Anybody but the bellboy. Because, you know, he might get a column in The National Enquirer and tell on you. I wish I had a col--heeey. Wait a minute. What was your name again?
Okay. Yeah. She is a dumbass.
http://www.nationalenquirer.com/anna/45761

About a year ago, I found out that Alanis Morissette was engaged. To a guy named Ryan Reynolds. This was before I discovered my immense love for IMBD. I didn't know who the hell Ryan Reynolds was, nor did I care. I just wanted to know why he was taking my angry Alanis away.
Then I found out who Ryan Reynolds was. Ryan Reynolds from Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place. And if you aren't one of the seven people who watched that show, Ryan Reynolds of Blade: Trinity, the made-for-TV movie School of Life, and the upcoming fifty-seventh remake of The Amityville Horror. Okay, so maybe he hasn't really hit it big. But look at this
hotness.
hotness.

I understand Alanis.
If I was engaged to him I would be the next freaking John Denver.
We here at FPB commend you, Alanis. This is a big step up from *He Whom We Will Not Mention because a) he's never cheated on you b) he's hotter and c) he's never portrayed anyone named Joey Gladstone.

Adventures In Sacrilege: Duff Tackles Remake

2005-04-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Duff Strikes Again: Hilary Duff proves that no song is safe from her own craptastic remake.
First she ripped of the Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed." She'll now be introducing her cover of Madonna's "Material Girl" for the aptly titled film, uhm, "Material Girl," co-produced by Madonna.
(On a personal note, I'm retracting my letter to her because she's obviously hit rock bottom. It was a good run, Madge.)
Why is it that teen stars today can't stick with acting. You never saw the great Molly Ringwald burst into song. Oh no. She left that to Jon Cryer. As it should be.

It makes us wonder exactly what audio sacrilege they'll perform next...

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" for We've Got Spirit! (in theaters August 2006) Hilary's trying out for the squad but snobby team captain Kelsey ( enter random, moderately attractive twenty year old actress) excludes her. In a whilwind of totally hilarious! events, Hilary is out to win the hearts of the squad ( and the captain of the football team. yay!) and to prove that dreams can come true ( as long as you're thin with good teeth, that is!) We've Got Spirit! is the *feel good teen comedy for moms, daughters, and neurotically challenged mall rats everywhere.

* those with suicidal thoughts should avoid viewing.

"London Calling" Yep. You guessed it! Hil's going to Europe in London Calling. Will she find British love? Do you really need to ask? Is her name Hilary Duff? Is she the cutest darn American gal ever? Are you still with us? (in theaters January 2007)

Hilary is "off to never never land" as Tinkerbell in the latest remake of J.M. Barrie's "Peter Pan." Look for her remake of "Enter Sandman" on the Tink and Pete soundtrack! Get it? It says "never never land?" Cute, right? Huh? Right? Look, I'm her publicist. My kids need braces. I have to say these things.

These frightening scenarios are only mildly realistic examples of where the American cinema is going. I would come up with more but my head is starting to hurt. Now go take a cold shower and try to make the bad thoughts go away.
Oh, and if Hilary Duff ever stars as a cheerleader and/or Tinkerbell, I want my damn royalties.

Dear Madonna,

2005-04-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Madonna(Esther),

I am honoring your chosen Kabbalah name here. I've even learned how to correctly spell Kabbalah. I've done everything short of wearing one of those red strings (ahem. "Kabbalah bracelets") myself.
I'm trying here.
That being said...please come back.
I miss you, you crazy kid.
Remember when people stood up and took notice of what you were doing? Remember being edgy? Remember being booted from Pepsi ads on account of your provocative videos? That crazy Madonna, people would say, she gets more publicity for the endorsement she didn't get! And then they would chuckle, shake their heads a bit, and go back to watching you grind on the floor of the MTV Video Music Awards. That's just Madonna. Provocative, talented, um, floorgrinder.
And now? Now there are Gap commercials. Gap, Madonna. Sarah Jessica Parker does Gap commericials. Sarah. Jessica. Parker. And there is skipping and Motown involved. Don't get me wrong. I love a good Gap commercial. But this is not Madonna territory.
But you dropped the Gap ads. But then? Then you frenched Britney. Sure, it was provocative I suppose. But Britney? She slaughtered "Like A Virgin." No. I can't speak of it. My ears...they bled. Anyone else, Madonna. Anyone. And no, Christina doesn't count.
Let me be honest. "Me Against the Music?" It BLEW. It reeked of a has-been making a desperate attempt for a comeback.I could hear Courtney Love laughing from a distance. And when Love starts to laugh at you its time to take a long, hard look at your life and question why exactly you are wearing this nun habit.
http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/culture/kabbalah/index.php
Perhaps you were attempting to show solidarity with the Pope during his trying times. I'm sure he would of appreciated a nice card or letter.
Most likely you were just shaking things up again. Looking for a few good laughs. Being Madonna-y. Yet, this time no one seems to notice. Probably because you are still seen as the crazy old chick that frenched Britney Spears.
It hurts, Madonna.
I know that your friendship with her is rooted in this Kabbalah sisterhood. And that is beautiful really. I might cry. But I think you need to tell Cheeto-ass to fend for herself. Just for a little while. I know you feel bad for her. Its hard not to. She is married to a walking ball of Crisco and Red Bull. But I think in the long run it will be best for the both of you.
Oh, and try to make music that doesn't suck like "American Life."

um,Shalom!

P.S. You should also try acting again.
P.P.S. You can now buy "create your own Kabbalah bracelet" packs for a buck fifty at Claire's. Just thought I would let you know.

Love, Bobbie

(Disclaimer: This is only the point of view of one half of The Plastics. Marylyn actually thinks that Madonna sucks. My attempts at converting my friends to the side of the Material Girl have failed miserably. Also, I have no personal feelings of hate towards Britney. I actually kind of like her now that she's frumpy. I do however feel that Cheeto-ass is a hilarious nickname and refuse to retract my statement about Kevin Federline. It has been confirmed that Crisco does in fact leak from his pores.)

Is Too Much Crime TV A Crime?

2005-04-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

Nowadays, there is a crime/forensic TV show on everynight. Does Hollywood not know when to stop? I mean come on, yeah it was cool at first, but now it seems a little too much. You have 3 CSI's, 4 Law and Orders, Cold Case, Navy NCIS, Without a Trace and Medical Investigation. And they all are repeats of other shows just with slightly different twists.

Law and Order (1990) - Starring: Dennis Farina and the late Jerry Orbach Plot line: A crime drama where the police investigate a crime in the first half and the prosecutors work the resulting trial in the second. In this 15 year old drama, as the plot line basicly says the first half is the detectives investigating the crimes and the second part is the prosecutors trying to find justice in the courtroom.

Now personally I don't really care for this show. But appartly some of the people in America like it since it has mannaged to float on the airwaves for as long as I have been alive. And quoting my dear friend Forrest, that's all I have to say about that. [NBC, Wednesdays at 10/9c]

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit (1999) - Starring: Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay Plot Line: This show introduces the Special Victims Unit, a new elite squad of NYPD detectives who investigate sexually oriented crimes. This hit drama is Law and order that deals with rape cases.

L&O: SVU is my favorite of the L&O series. It's great and it teaches you that if a guy is kinda creepy and he has no kids but likes to be around them he is probably a pedafile or he is just Michael Jackson. [NBC, Tuesdays at 9/8c]

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000) - Starring: William L. Petersen and Marg Helgenberger As IMDb.com says for its plotline: An elite team of police forensic evidence investigation experts work their cases in Las Vegas. So basiclly a team of crime scene investigators go around Vegas and solve its crimes.

Now in my personal opinion this is the best thing since sliced bread and it was the first forensically based TV drama to hit the air. And apperently many other people think it is the bomb diggity yo, also, since it has been #1 in the TV ratings almost since it's premiere on CBS 5 seasons ago. [CBS, Thurdays at 9/8c]

Law and Order: Criminal Intent (2001) - Starring: Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe Plot Line: The third "Law and Order" series involves the criminal justice system from the criminal's point of view. WHOO-HOO SERIAL KILLERS! I think that one is pretty self-explanatory, even though I really never knew what this one was based on.

I like this one simply because of Detective Rober Goren (D'Onofrio). He is like Grissom (Petersen) from CSI on speed, its awesome. [NBC, Sundays at 9/8c]

Without a Trace (2002) - Starring: Anthony LaPaglia and Poppy Montgomery Plot Line: The cases of a FBI unit specializing in missing persons investigations. THE FBI RUN!!!!

Not my favorite show but whatever floats your boat. [CBS, Thursdays at 10/9c]

CSI: Miami (2002) - Starring: David Caruso and Emily Proctor It's IMDb plot line reads: The cases of the Miami, Florida police department's Crime Scene Investigations unit. So this time it is just the same as CSI (Vegas) just in a hot, humid climate with a horrible, drama queen actor.

To me this show is one of the worst things on TV. Horatio Cane (Caruso) over acts and points out the most obvious things such as murder. The only reason why male members of the species even bother to watch this show is for the hot blonde with the gun, also known as Calleigh Duquesne (Proctor). As for me this show gets my ratings because of that cutie pie Eric (Adam Rodriguez), and I think all you females can agree. [CBS, Mondays at 10/9c]

Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service (2003) - Starring: Mark Harmond and Sasha Alexander Plot Line: The cases of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Well imdb.com really disappointed me there so I'll have to elaborate a little bit more, okay here goes: It's CSI in the Navy.

How much more explination do you really need? [CBS, Tuesdays at 8/7c]

Cold Case (2003) - Starring: Kathryn Morris and John Finn Plot Line: The Philadelphia homicide squad's lone female detective finds her calling when she's assigned "cold cases" -- older crimes that have never been solved. Old cases just waiting to be solved 10-15 years later, and this show just shows ya that you can slove the unsolvable cases you just have to wait 15 years.

This show is great because it give you a reason to wear your hair in a messed up ponytail way, ladies, it's called "Cold Case" hair. And it just goes to show how stupid some criminals are, I would think that you would learn to run away evenutually. You don't just stick around to get caught! [CBS, Sundays at 8/7c]

CSI: NY (2004) - Starring: Gary Sinise and Melina Kanakaredes Plot line: A spinoff of Crime Scene Investigations set in New York City. Wow. I wonder what this show is about, that plot line is really confusing. I'm guessing that this show is the same as CSI (Vegas) and CSI: Miami just set in New York City.

Now don't get me wrong this is a good show, but to me this one should have been released before CSI: Miami. I think CSI: NY is a much better show then Miami but since it is the second spin-off of CSI people don't give it the credit it deserves. And it even stars our favorite Lieutenant. Yep it's Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump, Gary Sinise, and yes he has his new legs. So with lines like, Gooey? There's a good forensic word. Gooey. I have to use that more, How can it not be a great show? [CBS, Wednesdays at 10/9c]

Medical Investigation (2004) - Starring: Neal McDonough and Kelli Williams Plot Line: The cases of an elite government investigation unit specializing in sudden, mysterious and dangerous medical outbreaks. Infectious Diseases! Cool! oh wait....EWW!

Now I haven't seen this show but a very close friend has told me that's it' pretty good so it must be. [NBC, Fridays at 9/8c]

Law and Order: Trial By Jury (2005) - Starring: Bebe Neuwirth and Amy Carlson Plot Line: An exploration of the jury system in New York politics. Includes all aspects of jury behavior, such as deliberations, trials, and access to prosecuting and defense attorneys, from initial arraignment all the way to the final verdict. Need I say more?

Lookie its Lilith! Well I know it's not really Lilith but can Neuwirth ever be anyone other than our beloved Lilith? And look who else is here! Amy Carlson, yanno from Third Watch. The one that got her legs blown off? Yeah, that's the one! Man she has been on all kinds of Law shows, CSI, L&O:SVU, and L&O just to name a few, man she gets around. But you gotta love her. [NBC, Fridays at 10/9c]

Here's how I see it, We could get rid of all the shows about crime execpt CSI and 1 and only 1 Law and Order. That way we can have more hours for other new shows, comedies woul be nice. Remember the good ole days of Seinfeld.

-Mare

Talk To The Manicured Hand, Boyfriend

2005-03-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

Apparently there's only room for one dancing, eye-liner wearing, pretty boy, pouty lips, snooty-pants, indie rock band. And if Brandon Flowers has anything to say about it, it ain't gonna be The Bravery.

"Look at a band like the Bravery. They're signed because we're a band," Flowers said. "I've heard rumors about [members of] that band being in a different kind of band, and how do you defend that? If you say, 'My heart really belongs to what I'm doing now,' but you used to be in a ska band. I can see the Strokes play or Franz Ferdinand play and it's real, and I haven't gotten that from the Bravery. I think people will see through them."
--MTV News

Oh snap. I know he did not.

In response, Sam Endicott of The Bravery said,

"You wanna make it right? Then when you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. Bring your best eyeliner and Morissey covers. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better. "

to which Flowers countered with,

"Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry."

Or I'm sure it was something to that effect.

See, others have reported on this. But no one thought to spoof the cinematic greatness that is "Bring It On." Thats why we're one step ahead of the others.

In all fairness, its not really Flowers' place. It's not as if the Killers are completely revolutionary in their field. Don't get me wrong.I have a slight obsession with the Killers. I think they're an awesome band with tons of talent. But unless you're dancing naked in war paint, playing African tribal music to the sound of squawking live chickens who are being slaughtered on stage...someone has probably done something similiar to your music in the past. That's why its easy to be disregarded for being too kitschy or my personal favorite...a "poser." At least I hope no one has slaughtered live chickens on stage. That would be horrible.

So basically, Flowers is being an ass. Again. Alas, I still love him. He's just so damn pretty.But if they don't release "All These Things That I Have Done" as a single, its over between us.

-Bob

K-Fed Knows Best

2005-03-30T19:16:00.000-08:00

Britney and that sexy sperm machine and master of paternal skills, Kevin Federline have reproduced. Ehh..allegedly. Be on the look out for Gerber's Cheeto's flavored baby food on shelves which hit stores November 2005, yall! The, 'My Mom Is A MILF', 'You Got Served,' and 'My Daddy Can Kick Yo Daddy's Bitch Ass In A Dance Off' baby bibs are in the works and sure to be a hit for every expecting parent.
The two haven't made an official announcement regarding the pregnancy but Britney has made it clear that she and K- Fed ain't down with these tabloids all up in their bizz-nas.
http://britneyspears.com/letters
Word, girlfriend.

I wish Kevin would have written it.

"Yo, bitches. K-Fed here. Rockin' out with my c-- yeah, well anyways. You don't wanna mess with this right here. I'm the shiznit. And my girl Britney is the shiznit. And our baby is gonna be the shiznit. If Britney is knocked up and I'm not sayin she is cause I don't know so don't go printin dat sh--t. But if she is we're gonna get a cool ass bumber sticker that says "my child can kick your honor roll students ass" to put on my sweet ride that Brit bought. And THAT will be the effing SHIZNIT. Brit, girl, don't worry. Just keep shakin that fine ass and bringin home the sweet cash to Daddy Fed. U know I luv you gurl. Brit and K-Fed 4-eva. Yo, you did sign that pre-nup? Yee-ah. Sweet. Thats my gurl. Peace."

Sigh. What a man. I understand Brit. You go girl.

Step 1: Accepting Your Cheeto's Addiction

2005-03-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

We decided to create this webjournal after realizing that we had a problem. We had been in denial. To inquiries regarding our celebrity obsessions we would answer:
"I'm okay. I don't obsess about that Kabbalah loving bonehead and his Brat Pack mistress. I don't worry too much about what Britney and K-Fed did this week. Or rather, who Federline impregnated this week. Or rather, the exact amount of Cheetos that Britney and K-Fed consumed this week. To the gram. We don't have the time to rent Gigli and/or Brown Bunny just to see if they were as bad as we had heard...and then snark on them later. We have lives! We have families and friends of our own! We have goals! We don't have a problem!"

Do we?

Oh God help us, but we do.

Myself and my parter in crime are complete and totally obsessed with pop culture and the celebrity way. And the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Yet not only admit, but we embrace our obsession. We just buy the damn Us Weekly.
We have created this blog as a daily account of our thoughts and misadventures in the world of entertainment.

And for the record, Mrs. Britney Spears Federline consumes, on average, a total of 21 oz. of Cheetos, ya'll. Give or take.